Monday, October 30, 2006

Chris Leak Meets John Kerry

My last Georiga game as an undergradute Gator... Not bad, too close for comfort, and "Trick Daddy".... It should be interesting next year going as a "regular person" and getting loose at the Landings afterward. Suddenly I'm like a Bond Villan in the tuba section, causing world-wide distruction and killing small animals at the same time. Apparently I'm one of the bad guys in the section. Oh well... Time to get that weather machine powered by baby's blood started.

Part of my evil plan for the Gators to get to the national championship has occured. USC has lost a game and now the Gators are #4 in the BCS. Now I'm doing a little more thinking ahead. Yes I need Lousiville to beat West Virginia, but then just to be safe, I need Pittsburg to beat Lousiville. And I still need Arkansas to lose to Tenn and LSU so I can have my revenge on Auburn...

In other news... Chris Leak took a page from the John Kerry Handbook and memorized chapter five "Flip-Flopping For Dummies". First he has a concussion and has blurry vision, then he doesn't, then his dad says he did, then he doesn't, etc. The way Leak played, I would of played the "Concussion Card", and it would've made my O-line feel guilty. Cause they suck... But not as bad as bad as the Gator's Kicker whose name we do not speak of. We'd be better then going for 2 from the 50 yd line, seriously!

At the end of the day the constants of the Universe remain the same...

The sky is blue.
PB is fat
And Florida State still sucks...

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Friday, October 27, 2006

Episode V: Ghetto Contact Lens Strikes Back

My poor poor blog, you've been neglected. But don't blame me, blame these ghetto contact lenses I was hoodwinked into switched too by my eye doctor. "They're better for you to sleep in" he says. So that same day I slept in them and when I woke up it was like someone had been building sand castles under my eyelids while I was sleeping. I should of switched back to Acuve 2 right then and there....

Fast forward to last Friday night. Or actually Friday evening. I'm at "Phi Beta Sigma presents The Blue Light Special". Everything is going super. Then I step into the afterparty and BAM. Actually it was more like BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM. My left eye is spittin fire, and I don't mean a Lil Wayne vs Eminem freestyle fire, I mean serious pain and suffering.

My eye is starting to look like a national terrorist alert level, but I'm too busy shaking my ass to really care. Finally at around 1:30am, I couldn't take it anymore and I took out my left contact in the uber-hygienic bathroom (where's that sarcasm font... oh well). I thought that would calm the fire in my eye but taking the contact out took me from "white people spicy" to "Latin people spicy" in an instant!

Lucky I didn't drive but anything brighter then a cell phone was sending shockwaves of pain throughout my head. Just punch yourself in the temple with a rusty butter knife and you'll get the idea. When I got home all I could do was collapse on my bed and writer in agony. Thank god it was a bye week cause I would of died at the stadium the next day. Seriously, DOA.

In the morning things aren't getting any better. My garbage blinds at Melrose let in one to many photons and my brain and eye are doing the "Chicken Noodle Soup" all over my nerve endings. Eventually I remembered that this is America and they have drugs here to make the pain go away so I call my eye doctor (same one who bamboozled me into switching contact brands...) and get the earliest (meaning 3:00pm) appointment to make the pain go away.

Apparently Saturdays are the day that all the eye doctors draw straws to see who will work cause it seemed like they only had 1 doctor and like 10 full rooms of patients. I swear I was waiting (in the dark thankfully, though only cause the light in my room was broken...) forever. In my mind I just want some drug to make the pain go away, the infection medicine is a 2nd priority.

The doctor finally sees me. I'm going to try and reproduce it as verbatim as I can remember.
Dr: How long has your eye been hurting
Me: Since 11:00pm last night
Dr: How many hours is that? (cause doctors don't do math....)
Me: Around 16 hours.
Dr: Ok, lets see here, look down, look up, look slightly down.
(Dr. shines lights brighter then the sun into my eye)
Me: Owe!
Dr: Sorry, eyes a little sensitive ( a little...)
Dr: Look left, look down.... OH MY GOD. YOU HAVE TO SEE A SPECIALIST!
(Dr. runs out the room to call the specialist, I note his extreme lack of bedside manor...)
(Dr. returns)
Dr: You have two corneal ulcers. I would normally treat them myself but they're so big I'm not even going to touch it.
(good thing I went to medical school and know what corneal ulcers are, then the Dr sends me away to the specialist...

Now the specialist was playing tennis with his son, so for him to break away from the parental beatdown, unlock his office, and see me, told me more then enough about the seriousness of my condition. He actually explained to me what corneal ulcers were. Gave me a prescription for eye drops to take every 30 minutes and when I sleep, to wake up ever 2 hours and put in drops.

Sidebar: According to google..
A corneal ulcer forms when the surface of the cornea is damaged or compromised. Certain types of bacteria, such as Pseudomonas, are extremely aggressive and can cause severe damage and even blindness within 24-48 hours if left untreated.

Basically, my ghetto contacts put two microscopic holes in my cornea and the bacteria on the surface thought they had VIP Passes to Golden Choral. I hear the eye tissue is pretty good with the barbecue sauce.

So now I have drops. I had some interesting dreams, being that I could only sleep for 2 hours at a time. The pain however, is still blazing. I even had to unplug the fish tank light! Don't get me started on my mortal enemy... The Sun. Yeah that one, giver of life and heat to the world. That bastard! I couldn't even go outside. I couldn't even goto the Player's Ball. Even watching TV was a struggle and don't get me started on using the computer. Even with the brightness turned down to mandingo black I was still in pain.

As the week went by things got better. Driving to the follow up visits with the specialist was quite hilarious with one eye open. I skipped class Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday since The Sun would be waiting for me outside like a 7th grade bully. I did get bold enough to goto band practice wearing sunblocking strips behind my glasses... All I can say about that is DAMN THE GLARE FROM THE INSTRUMENTS!

The specialist finally gave me some Ketorolac Tromethamine drops for the pain to which I refer to them as Liquid Cocaine. Suddenly I can live again! I feel alive! I laugh in the face of the sun (if it's cloudy and overcast...) Now I just need to order some real contact lenses and get them in time for this wedding in Jamaica next weekend...

*Keep your comments dark and soothing...

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Sunday, October 15, 2006

BTW... Miami Vs FIU

By the way, the guys at SportsCenter know how to tease us with that fight between FIU & UM. Please check out this video of the fight. It gives you a longer view, but really, I want you to pay attention to what the black commentator says throughout the fight. You can almost hear his white counterpart trying to play it off. This is what's wrong with UM. If the commentator says things like they should fight some more outside the stadium, what do you think the actual players are thinking?

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Groundhog Day: Gator Football Style

Once upon a time... or actually October 13th, 2001. Its my freshmen year. I'm sitting in the stadium at Auburn University. The Gators are ranked #2 in the nation. We've got Rex Grossman, Jabar Gaffney, and Steve Spurrier. We're supposed to beat the crap out of the TigersWarEaglePlainsmen! Thus began the beginning my streak of never winning a game in the state of Alabama. The Gators lost by 3 pts. Auburn was unranked at the time so they joyfully celebrated by tearing down the goalpost. Now if you're a visitor and they tear down the goalpost infront of you, yeah its kinda scary. National title hopes are lost...

But.... The 2001 Gators were hot fire. They made it all the way back to #2. I was predicating a grand national championship game against Miami in the Rose Bow. (Back when Miami was good) They ran the table the rest of the way until the season ending game against Tennessee (post-poned because of 9/11). But people brought Roses to the Swamp and the jinx monster was on our backs, and oh yeah, we lost too. Had we won, we would of went to the SEC championship, gang banged LSU again like we did in the regular season (44-15!), then taught those R&B Thugs at UM what football is really about.

Flash forward to 2006. Yeah I know, engineering is hard ok... Anyway. Its October 14th, 2006. Its my senior+ year. I'm sitting in the stadium at Auburn University. The Gators are ranked #2 in the nation. We've got Chris Leak, Dallas Baker, and Urban Meyer. We're supposed to beat the crap out of the TigersWarEaglePlainsmen! Thus continued my streak of never winning a game in the state of Alabama. The Gators lost by 1 pt (I don't count the fumble recovery because Chris Leak was down!). National title hopes are lost...

But I still believe the 2006 Gators are hot fire. Even though they lost, they're still ranked #6 in the BCS. Everything is setting up nicely for a repeat of 2001 except there's no Bin Laden and we already beat Tennessee. That's two hurdles already surpassed. Now I just want to get an SEC championship. Anything after that is like free samples at Sams. HISTORY IS REPEATING ITSELF PEOPLE!

There are four teams ahead of the Gators in the BCS standings up to #2 (I'm not going to be greedy, #2 is more then enough). I've called my stereotypical Jamaican Ms. Cleo skills and predicted what will happen and how we'll get that number 2 ranking again.

I call it,my Armageddon Scenario. Ohio State will beat Michigan. Notre Dame will beat USC. Louisville will beat West Virginia. And oh yeah... We're going to smash, beat, murder, kill, assault, batter, whoop, and smash Auburn in the SEC Championship game! If all that happens, we'll be in the national championship game. But like I said, I'll be mad content with an SEC Championship.

So look out for these games cause history is cyclical...


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Sunday, October 08, 2006

October 6th: The Musical

October 6th, 2005 was bad. I had 2 hours of band practice during a monsoon. Then when I did get home I got sick. I had a bottle of Appleton and I was too sick to even have a drink. Then I went to bed early...

October 6th, 2006 was awesome, stupendous, amazing, fantastic, etc. GOD literally said "Dwayne, your birthday last year sucked, this year will be different". It's also UF homecoming which equals overtime for anyone in band. Good thing I'm such a great gator fan. I decided to retell the joy of my birthday this year in a different way.

October 6th: The Musical
Sponsored by Dad's Credit Card, The University of Florida Athletic Association,
and Viewers Like You

ACT 1: SCENE 1
October 5th, 11:30pm, Club 238 West

Birthday weekend started off pretty good. It was definitely multi-cultural night at 238. It's funny how the club staff acts differently depending on the crowd in attendance. I didn't even get searched! And when I left, it was at a leisurely pace. No shoving, no yelling, no threat of tazing... I also came to realize that two girls dancing sexually on each-other is only sexy in Key West and Cancun, not Gainesville. All and all it was it nice little warm-up for the next day, but sadly, the Malibu was actually hitting me! MALIBU!!!

ACT 2: SCENE 1
October 6th, 7:30am, Downtown Gainesville

When my alarm clock went off I was dead in the middle of a long dream, so I know I was having one of those alcohol related dreams. Glen and I had a plan to have him park downtown ahead of the Homecoming Parade which meant we had to find a spot at the crack of dawn. Good thing my stomach was doing flip-flops all morning. Its like I needed a Pepto Ivy Drip or atleast ginger ale. Then sitting in Glen's living room before the parade, even drinking water was a task.

ACT 2: SCENE 2
October 6th, 1:00pm, University Ave

My last homecoming parade... For someone who practially did a parade every Saturday in high school, to only do one a year in college is different. UF definitely made me soft. I'm sure I could of did the UF Homecoming parade 3 times over in high school, but now... YEEESH! Anyway Glen and I had to go out with a bang and give the 8-ball dance 110%, especially now that the entire section wants to do it too. (Where's my royalties?)

I never ever ever ever did that dance so hard. I channeled my 12th grade form in order to make it look as live as possible, hitting the split perfectly every time. Once you pass 13th st, the crowd becoming increasingly african-american and I think they can get a thrill seeing some UF Pride of the Sunshine Band Members take it to the floor with tubas on. I think we did it about 5 times, but the 6th time... woah. That was it. The boat ran out of steam. Nevermind the fact that it was probably 100+ degrees in those uniforms. If I had to do that dance 1 more time in that parade, I would've spent the rest of the day at Shands Hospital.

ACT 2: SCENE 3
October 6th, 3:00pm, Hooters

Going to Hooters after the homecoming parade is a Tuba tradition. However, don't ever ever ever goto Hooters on your birthday unless you have no shame whatsoever. In my post parade stankness I was made to stand on a stool in the middle of the restaurant, dancing like a chicken, shaking my "rass", while the hooters' waitresses clapped. Yeah, good times. Sadly I didn't have a camera for the whole weekend. That's partially why I have to write this down cause the randomness of it all demands it be recorded in history.


INTERMISSION
Happy Birthday to You, as performed by Stephanie Sadler

ACT 2: SCENE 4
October 6th, 6:45pm, Gator Growl

Waiting beneath the stadium to go on at Gator Growl (Uf''s Homecoming Pep Rally) I had the joy of being officially "piled" for the first time. My 6th (AND FINAL) season in band and I have never been "piled" outside of on a bus. Piling by the way is when the entire section, or it seems like the bigger members, jumps on you like you just recovered a fumble to show how much they care. Birthdays are prime time piling times, but I was sitting on a brick wall by some grass looking innocent.

Then I saw one of the freshmen start creeping toward me like when the cheetah spots the lost elephant cub on discovery channel. In a blink the entire section was on me. It didn't even hurt until the last last last person jumped onto the top of the pile. That's when my internal organs wanted to break free and do a mad scramble inside my belly. All the while the other members of the pile are screaming in agony. It's a very interesting experience.

Gator Growl was just ok. I've been to better ones. The skits weren't funny, and the "fake news" was horrible. The joke about the band being celibate for 100 yrs... I can see how somebody on the outside could think that, but these band kids here... like rabbits I tell ya. I could've wrote a better script in 5 minutes. Oh well. Atleast the comedians were good. Its amazing how you can unite a stadium of people with the joys and pains of hotpockets. Either way it was my last Gator Growl as a student... and it was free!

ACT 2: SCENE 5
October 6th, 11:30pm, Downtown Gainesville.

Whats better then going to club on your birthday for free? How about going to two clubs for free, or as I put it "two clubs for the price of none!" In an Appleton induced state, I went to 238's greek night, (where the only greeks were sigmas for some reason) and then went over to Boss Fridays courtesy of Sam Green. We rolled in there deep and the Boss Friday's people sure looked upset since we all got in free, but hey, it's my birthday!

"Its your birthday" by Uncle Luke came on at both places and I'm sure I burned a few calories or two shaking my rump at both establishments. That was probably the most fun I ever had on actual birthday in Gainesville and I didn't have to pay a dime..

Knowing that I would die from Hangover Poisoning at Saturday morning practice the next day if I didn't eat anything before I went to bed, I instructed Orf to drive me to McDonald's. When we got there we ran into a bunch of Sigma Betas. What a great bunch of kids. They even sang me their own version of "Happy Birthday to You" better then the best Red Lobster Waiter on earth.

Again, I must reiterate, that was the most fun on my birthday in Gainesville I ever had, and I've had a few... Too bad for LSU, my birthday weekend wasn't over...

ACT 3: SCENE 1
October 7th, 8:00am, Coach's Field.

Again my stomach is doing a Chinese Gymnast impression and I'm at practice 4 hours after I went to sleep. Crazy. So Now I'm officially 24 years old. Crazy. Practice is only 90 minutes long because ESPN's College Gameday is here. Crazy!

After are we play at Gameday I stayed behind for two hours just to see Lee Corso put on Albert's head at the end of the program. In the mean time I was surrounded in pure Gator'ness for two hours (like I'm gonna stand in the LSU section!). The best part about Gameday besides the finale is reading all the signs people made.

Well I guess the Katrina tragedy has been relocated to Trivial Pursuit pie pieces and fortune cookie messages cause there were plenty of FEMA oriented signs. One sign in particular had one of those evil black looters wading through flood waters, but he was photoshoped to wear an LSU helmet. Maybe if he was wearing an FSU helmet it would of been more convincing.

Anyway, waiting for Lee Corso to put on your mascot's helmet can be equated to Christmas Morning or perhaps several notched below that to your first time (so i've been told ). I don't want to say it was magical (Lee Corso I mean) but it was simply awesome.

ACT 3: SCENE 2
October 7th, 12:30pm, Rich Guy's Tailgate.

When you're given the chance to play and be fed at a tailgate event hosted by the guy who is so rich he has a sports complex and a street (which probably had it's original name for like 100 years) named after him, you say "thank you sir, may I have another!" I just had to throw this event in the mix cause it just added to my perfect birthday weekend. How many people you know have grilled salmon at their tailgate tent? What else do you expect from Gale Lemerand himself.

ACT 3: SCENE 3
October 7th, 3:30pm The Swamp.

I'm not even going to talk about the game. Go on ESPN and look it up. It was the funnest game in the swamp I can remember. LSwho? Exactly. Nuff said. Only bad part was doing "8-ball" on the way back to Music Building after the game I dropped it like its hot without following standard procedures and strained my quad and my groin all at once! There goes my tips for this week. ;)


ACT 3: SCENE 4
October 7th, 11:45pm Club 238 west

A weekend of fermented liquids and no sleep finally caught up with me. I was so tired I fell asleep watching Tennessee recreate everyone's favorite scene from Pulp Fiction with Georgia. (Georgia is the one with the choker ball in its mouth) Orf had to drag me out to the club which was ladies night, and I got in free because my LB paid for me, and it was full of Gold Teeth Gainesville girls with wobbly booties... my favorite! Even with all that, I was soo tired. I danced a few times but my kreb cycles were shot to pieces, plus every time I tried to execute a patented Fozzie dance move my quad and groin gave me a back slap and asked me where the money was.

Finally back home with a smile. I stamp this birthday weekend as best ever in Gainesville. Only celebrating my 21st birthday a week later on Bourbon Street tops the rankings, followed by my 5th and 6th birthday parties. Anyway, that's the end of the musical, I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did...

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Sunday, October 01, 2006

For 3 Cents a Day, You Can Save T.O.

I found this whole T.O. thing to be funny, sad, and interesting all at once. First I don't think T.O. tried to kill himself. Think about it, the most ego-centric football player on the planet suddenly has no self-esteem at all and tries to kill himself? Thats not the tragic part though.

I'm watching T.O.'s press conference and flipping through the news channels and oh look, a crazy white boy has taken his school hostage. I wonder what video game they're going to blame this time. Logic says to follow the hostage story, but ESPN demands I hear T.O. explain why he didn't take the blue pill and leave the matrix. But even that's not the tragic part.

The tragic part is watching ESPN try to do news not related to a highlight reel. Entertainment & Sports Programming Network was not made for "real news". It's like CNN is stuck in traffic so ESPN has to make Kraft Mac & Cheese for thanksgiving dinner. They try to sound so serious but its painfully obvious they suck. Everyone should just know their role. I don't look for international world views during "Rap City"!

-Comments?

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