Black People: NiggaSpace!

I hate to sandwhich my most happy college moment with posts about the folley of black americans, but somebody (probably Gardy) told me the most dangerious thing in America is a black man with a degree. I'm starting to believe him because we're the only ones who see things like this and see a problem. Anyway, I ran into this website while studying for an exam and was so incensed I had to write about it on the spot! I didn't post it because I had to save Post #50 for graduation. So now that we're on Post #51, I can go ahead and share my angst. Here is a little control+V action...........................................

Niggaspace.com! NiggaSpace.com !!!!!!

OMFG! NiggaSpace.com! I'm here trying to study, and I see a group on facebook called "Niggaspace is a discrace to black people". At first I was like, this has to be a joke. The ignorance of the black race could not have spilt from BET over to an organized commercial venture on the internet. Couldn't be. I googled it and again, OMFG!

The company slogan says it all. NiggaSpace - A Place fo' Niggas. OMFG! I was really going to study and write about this after graduation because I promised myself my 50th post was gonna be for the momentus ocassion of my graduating, but every minute I didn't write something down, my soul caught on fire! I had to write this down, somewhere, anywhere!

Damn ignorant ass coons! I just wrote about "The coon" but this is just about the worst display of ignorance anywhere. The site's creater, an aparent high school senior, claims that the site isn't meant to be racist and that the word "Nigga" and "Nigger" are two different words with two different meanings. Seriously, no seriously! Is there already a line forming to punch this kid in the mouth? Any black person born after the switch from B.C. to A.D. knows that those two words are exactly the same.

Before I continue I will make a few statements because I know what you are thinking. (1) Like I said in Gold Tooth Pre-Teen Girls, I use the N word too. Sometimes more then I should. But only in an extreme casual setting with ONLY other black people around. Sub-consciouly I do this so I don't give other races the impression that the N word is cool. Even now I refuse to type out "NIGGA/NIGGER". (2) To that note, I feel we can't get mad at other races for using the N Word until we stop using it. Latin people call each other the N word now. Soon asians will too. If we don't get mad at them, we can't get mad at white people. Then we can all use the N word in church, in court, and at work.

"Part of my intention for this site is for the word nigga to embody images of brotherhood, and fraternity rather than images of ignorance and hate.

How great would it be, if the mixed emotions that this word carries along with it, were stripped down to something more positive? Only positive. - Ignorant ass duckhead/creator"

Everytime I hear that particular argument for making the N word a regular word, I think about other words that will never ever ever make it to Santa's Nice List. Bin Laden and Hitler are two great examples. You think Arab-american kids are going to be walking around going "thats my Bin-Laden right there" in 100 years or "What up my Bin-Laden"?

In "tyrone" (the creator's) defense, I can see him wanting to make a myspace service aimed particularly at black people. Oh yeah, what could we call it. Hmm. Black something, black world, black globe, black thing that orbits a sun, something along those lines... I don't see how making a website where cats show off their tats and hook up with hoes is going to teach the world that the N word is fine and dandy for everyday use from Wall Street to MLK Blvd.

The dumbest internet savy black person on earth/creator definitly has no argument for the lovely logo on his site. 3 black figures wearing headbands and gold chains. You know, if some red neck hick with a mullet, a Bush-Cheney sticker, and a confederate flag liscense place, made this site (which could be correct since apparently Tyrone has not revealed his race according to news sources) then I would have said, hey, 1st amendment. If ignorant ass black people get tricked into thinkin this is cool, oh well, Red Neck Jim has every right to make a website called NiggaSpace. But to think that a black person ( a high school kid though ) thinks this a good idea is so very sad.

Even sadder is the fact that black people are signed up and are regular users. One website said more then 10,000 people have signed up! 10,000 ignorant ass black people! This is just extra sad. People at UF caught flack for being in facebook groups with the N Word in the title while trying to get the Alligator to apologize for using said word, but how easy is it to join a facebook group. Mad simple. But you have to fill in 15 things to be a NiggaSpace Nigga. Any african american with a sense of pride in their culture and history of black struggles should of said "woah, wtf am I doing?" around entering their date of birth on the form.

This is the state of black community in America. From a math stats point of view, this isn't all black people. I bet this is mostly high school kids. Not black business owners. Not black civil rights activists. Not Jim Cro Law survivors. Just some high school kids, who by the way are going to be full fledged adults in 5 or so years. I like to think that ever mini-generation of people is more liberal then the last. If niggaspace.com is not a problem to high school kids, what horribly ignorant thing will not be a problem to kids currently in middle school?

I'm all for fighting the good fight, but it's like the "pride of the black race" is on a negative slope when using old standards like number of famous black politicians, doctors, and scientists. But if we change the graph to measure black pride by number fronts in your mouth, or number of times you can get shot and live, then the graph is shooting sky high. I'm considering switching my race to Other on forms now. Can I do that?

I've got the solution. Maybe myspace can sue Niggaspace for copyright infringment? Its worth a shot. The niggaspace guy won't even show up to court since the police will never be able to serve him with court papers... you know how those niggers hate the police.



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Episode 50 - Graduation!!!!

December 16th, 2006... 10:00am. O'dome. 3rd row from the front on the left side. This is where I spent 90% of one of my most happiest days in a long time (outside of that little thing in Atlanta a few weeks back). Yes ladies and gentlemen, the blog turns 50 today with this being the 50th post I saved just for this special occasion. The occasion ofcourse being GRADUATION!!!! (Note to readers, I will be thanking GOD a lot throughout this blog tonight so if you're a heathen, don't be offended, you damn heathen)

Funny, it almost didn't happen on a number of levels. 1st, finals week really felt like an ESPN Sports Classic. You know the games on ESPN classic that go into triple overtime. That was me many times this week wondering to myself why the professor has it out for me personally when he put his final exam together. I never understood how you could have senior'itis in college as opposed to in High School when you already had all your future plans already in place by January or February. But in college, if you don't have a job already, your GPA still matters. And in engineering, you can't anything below a C!

So while I know people whose last semester was composed of mainly PE classes and Basket Weaving, I was fighting through Lean Manufacturing and Supply Chain. Remember those triple coronaries I was having during the South Carolina game, well I think I had a psychotic breakdown during that final. Like I could of bit the head off a chicken and drank it's blood psychotic. You know when you turn each page of the exam and go "how do I do that?" and then throw in the fact that you need a C in the class to graduate... Hmm, yummy chicken blood!

I had to stop and pray during the exam cause seriously people, seriously. All I could see was my ass being here another semester because of this one exam. So THANK GOD, he gave me some spiritual prozac and I got my act together. I managed to put something down and by my calculations will get my C. Mission complete.

2nd, My graduation was at 10:00am so I had to be at the O'dome at 8:30am. My alarm clock went off at 7:00am and I swear, I was wondering what was so special today that I set my alarm to wake me up. I kid you not! Such was the stupor that finals week put me in. I was two taps away from hittin snooze when GOD gave me a five-finger slap and everything became clear again. I coulda snoozed! How horrible would that have been to wake up at noon!

You know, the emotions run thick at graduation for everyone. I'm sure even Bernie gets a little sad after his 1000th handshake (I think he has a stunt hand for these occasions, probably amputated from a local orphaned migrant worker). Right right right before you go on stage is the most nerve racking experience ever and you know me, I'm supposed to enjoy attention. Imagine if I had some elaborate dance to do on stage as is common now awadays...

By the way, on people dancing on stage. You remember wacky day in high school. Everyone got to look like they got dressed in the dark by stevie wonder. But you know, there's always one guy who didn't put any thought into it and just wore two different shoes. And how did he look when he got to school? Lame! Wack! Sorry!

Thats how I felt about dancing on stage at graduation. Either you come correct, or don't waste your time. You're not going to go down in history by doing a 0.5 second dance move. This is UF! They crank out the names like we're at the Ford Factory. I just threw up the frat sign after I heard my name and subsequent Blu Phi. I didn't dance cause I'm surprisingly conservative when it comes to GRADUATION, but I saw this one dude do one spoonful of The Chicken Noodle Soup before the next name was called and I felt sorry for him. Two different shoes...please!

Anyway, after I got off the stage, I was surreal. Floating even. Even after I sat down, I couldn't believe I was now a graduate of The University of Florida, the greatest school in the south, southeast, east, country, world? Either way, I had to keep telling myself and everyone who sat around me that I was a graduate of UF now 'cause it was like a dream.

I'm gonna save my reflections on UF for a later post, but I will say I take singing the Alma Mater in band for granted because the people to my left and right had no idea how it went and I had to go all American Idol on them to save the day.

After all the pictures and hugs outside I had dinner with my family... in OCALA! Thanks Gainesville hotel system. It was cool though. It gave me a chance to see how much love and support I've always had right under my nose. And I was getting some Mafia wedding envelopes. I hope that trend continues in Jamaica. My day ended with me finally opening up this 12year old Appleton that's been teasin me for weeks now. All I can say is I only deal with 12 year olds now... rum that is.

Even now, its still a little hard to believe that college is over. I'm officially an adult now. Scary, but interesting. I look back and this post should of been longer then the one on my birthday, but I think I spent much of saturday on cloud nine so I cant remember the specifics. I'm slowly coming back down to earth though.

So what is in store for the future of Dollar Bill? Christmas trip to Jamaica...check. Watching the gators sphalack the buckeyes in the national championship game...check. Great paying job back at home...double check. A potential future Mrs. Mills...workin on it. Either way, I honestly think GOD has some great things planned for me and I can't wait to get it going. He got me this far didn't he?

* Until the spring graduation, you can watch all of UF's graduations online at http://www.registrar.ufl.edu/commencement/ just click saturday morning when you get there and fast foward to 1:13:30 to see ya boy...

PS: This is also the 50th post on my blogt. Now that school is over I think I'll be able to post like when I first started this. I'm planning some things for this blog now that we've hit the big 50. I'm gonna make a top-10 lists of previous posts and add a subscription thing so you can get new posts emailed right to you! But I won't get to any of that till I'm chillin in Jamaica with nothing to do. Maybe if Cingular customer service stoped being so horrible I can post from anywhere in america with my as yet purchased Samsung Blackjack...I wonder who cingular customer service calls when they have problems with their phones? Oh yeah, they probably all have Verizon!

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Black People - It's Cool to be a Coon

Just 8 hours until I take the most important final exam in my freakin life, but I had to take a break before I vomit things like Economic Order Quantitiy and Bullwhip Effect all over the floor. In this brief break of mine, I'd like to continue my observations on Afrcan Americans aka Black People.

For some odd reason the library was closed on saturday night (like nobody in gainesiville studies the saturday before finals start?) and I had tricked myself into thinking the Reitz Union would be open 24 hours. Anyway, I'm situated behind the food court by the free internet computers (thanks COX Cable!) using my computer only to play internet radio (who doesn't love free 80's music!) and thankfully, I had my super ultra hardcore $100 Shure earbuds.

This spot in the union is also the breakroom for the more minimum wage workers (who are all black in their late teens, early 20's - don't blame me, blame Bush!) where you can find them using the free internet to look at myspace, youtube, and eastbay shoes... Fair enough, I think we college students do that enough already with our own computers. Now lets set the scene up better.

One particular worker, who I will know refer to as The Coon was seated directly across from me rapping along with his cd player. Now like I mentioned before, $100 Shure headphones. This headphone are tight, so tight all I can hear is the music and my heartbeat. My heartbeat! Anyway, I see his mouth moving, but thankfull, no volume. The girl studying at the table next to me though did not have $100 headphones and she was looking very unnerved.

I pulled out one ear to "hear" what was going on. It would seem that The Coon was not listening to his mix of gospel hits but infact a rather descriptive song about the female reproductive system. It went something to the effect of;

I split the pussy wide open and nut in your mouth, I be fucking pussy from north to south - The Coon

Now I'm not going to argue the socio-economical ramifcations of Rap music here. I'm increasingly getting tired of where the majority of rap is headed. However, if I heard The Coon's rap in the club, or on the way to the club, or leaving the club, then I would have thought it was a hot song.
The Reitz Union is not the club..., well not right at that moment.

At first I found it funny, seeing this black kid's use of verbs completly annoy the heck out of the girl who was studying. I found it ironic because I had just watched a special on ABC about how people behave when somebody does something disruptive in a public place. I was wondering, should I tell this kid to keep it down, should I jam along with him, or should I stick $50 of my headphone back in my left ear and study some more?

Before I could make up my mind, a new though settled in. Sadness. Sadness for The Coon. Sadness because I bet The Coon didn't know he was acting like an idiot. I'm sure in his circle of friends, beating pussy from north to south is a perfect conversation topic no matter where they are, beit church, strip club, or Reitz Union food court. Don't get me wrong, I've been in enough similiar conversations, but I was raised with a thing called common courtesy.

While I was trying to predict The Coon's home life and future career goals based on my 10 second observation, some other student told him to keep it down because people were studying. He did turn down his Rap City Idol audition though. But then he gave me this look and smiled at me like I was on his side of the point.

I encourage you to read about the "coon caricature". I think you can find the 2006 version in someone you know very quickly. Don't get me wrong, if it was a white guy with a mullet and a confederate flag shirt singing about that "honky tonk, badonka donk" the effect would be very similiar. Here's a question to leave you with (since year, there's that whole most important final exam thing I have to take care of)

Why is ignorance not looked down upon more in the black community? Why do we as black people get mad when another race points out things that are blatantly obvious to even ourselves? Good thing I'm Jamaican... ;)

Ok I'll get off my soapbox... for now. PS No time for spell check, I'm too ig'nant for that.


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A Reading from the Book of Revelations...

I'll begin tonights sermon with a quote from Saint Benny

"Somewhere in Ann Arbor, a black tuba player in the michigan band is writting a blog entry entitled DIRTY DIRTY GATOR WHORES" -Benny Torres

Yes my people. Armageddon is upon us. Just as I predicted many moons ago, the Gators are going to the national championship game! Repent your sins now! Give up your earthly posessions, bathe in holy water, and thank GOD for he is a Bruin fan! The hand of GOD came down and switched USC's playbook with Ron Zook's. The hand of GOD put Reggie Nelson and Chris Leak in gator uniforms for a reason! Can I Get an AMEN!

My flock, we have entered the land of the Wolves. Big 10 Wolves. Ohh yes, the haters have become large like Goliath, but we, yes we have SEC Championship rocks in our slingshot. We have won the toughest conference in America. Yes, Michigan is in the Big 2/Little 8, and yes they only lost by 3 to Ohio State, but who else have they played? Notre Dame! Notre Dame! What is that, French? I thought we vanquished the French in WWII? Remember freedom fries? Can I get an AMEN!

My children, do not fear, for GOD is my haterblocker! Since the lord came down and cleansed the village whore that is the BCS, I have spent many a night reading on why Florida jumped Michigan in the BCS. So many haters. The voters didn't want a rematch, michigan is being penalized for not having a conference championship, the sky is blue, FSU Sucks, etc. My gentle sheep, the Lord doesn't reward those who sit on their asses and cry! The lord rewards those who get off their asses and cry, which Urban Meyer did, and did well.

Followers of Christ, 50% of the christian earth thinks the BCS got it right. The other 50% think the BCS got it wrong, GOD doesn't exist, and it's ok to marry your sister! Tell these devils to go back to where they came from, Tallahassee! For even the most ignorant Georgia Bulldog and the most in-breed Tennessee Vol are routing for the Gators and the SEC to champion OSU, whose hebrew name translate into "bait used to feed alligators".

I'd like to end with a prayer... Lord, thank you for returning Florida Football to the mountain top. We have suffered for so long. Many have fallen to the tyranny of Ron Zook. But we have survived. We have survived Ron Zook. We have survived Dan Mullen's special olympic play calling. We have survived Kirk Herbstreit Big 10 bias. We have survived. We survived the nation's toughest schedule and we thank you lord. And yes lord, we know you are indeed a Gator Fan, and we are thankful for your love.

AMEN


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Driving Like A Woman!

I thought you'd love my ultra-sexist blog title. I'm just beginning my epic journey of homework till well past sunrise and I thought I should share this bit of fun I had today before the redbull kicks in and I loose all human emotion. Amazing things happened to me today!

Finishing all my homework when I thought I was destined for a zero. That had Hesus written all over it since I need to pass that class to graduate. Forget about recording band music on Florida field. That was cool too though its amazing how many people find joy in running up all gabillion steps from the bottom of the stadium to the top. It is a good workout, but what if you fell! It'd be horrible. And knowing college students, no one would even ask you if you were ok.

God did send me yet another triple coronary today, though for a change it wasn't related to Gator Football. Let me set the stage for you. I'm driving back from storage facility on I-75. It's raining hurricane style all of a sudden (as is becoming more common... thanks global warming!). I'm pushing 80-85 as is the custom on Florida highways. Rain, sleet, or snow, I'm always driving fast. I just have great steering hands I guess. Not today!!

The phone rings and it's my mom. For some reason my sections of my Y-chromosome that handle motor vehicles decides to role play as a recessive gene and let that pesky X chromosome behind the wheel. Halfway into my 1 hand on the phone, 1 hand on the wheel, doing 83 through a hurricane, Black Ice (that's the name of my car if you didn't know) decides that we are infact playing Mario-Kart and freaking Yoshi just dropped a banana infront of me.

I should give myself several pats on the back though. I smoothly told my mom I'll call her back later. My car is trying to decide if it should spin out of control in a counter clockwise or clockwise motion in the middle of a busy highway. My Y-chromasome finally grows some "balls" and figures lefty Lucy would be the best choice and I sorta steer toward the inside emergency lane. But there's nothing like an X-chromosome scorned, added to my still upper 70 mph speeds and we're headed back toward the center of my lane.

Finally Y-chromosome takes a page from Ike Turner and the car is back on the straight and narrow. Oh yeah, and I definitely thought I was gonna have a nice double rollover in the middle of a rain storm on I-75, so kudos to you Y-chromosome! Even though it was still raining, I declined to push it like Jeff Gordon.

My heart can't take to much more excitement... or redbull. Toobad the SEC Championship is on Saturday... Where's my medical alert bracelet?

Gators = Pilgrims, Seminoles = uhm, Indians?

Ah yes, the great american tradition that is thanksgiving weekend is over. The gators beat the noles and the tubas beat the trunpets. Woah, did I just say tradition!

I started my thanksgiving week on wednesday by having a 2nd round interview for a company close to home. A 3 hour interview... It begin with a 100 question survey asking me how much I "strongly agree or strongly disagree" to doing things such as being a leader, getting work done on time, or doing drugs. Followed by another 20 questions of complete the number in the sequence and those dreaded "a train leaves your mom at 5am and gets to who gives F at 7pm etc.." questions. The 2nd and 3rd part of the interview were actually with real people! But by then I was so tired I started answering questions to questions that weren't asked. Hmm yeah. Right before I left I asked how much the starting pay was and it's 7000 less then my other job offer. 7! I could of saved 3 hours! Note to self, find out pay rate first!

I did manage to see Borat that night. Now I know how PB looks naked. Thanks Borat!

Thanksgiving day was well. Far below average. We decided to have thanksgiving with "family" in Orlando. You know, the kind of family you've only met once and that was before you even had a drivers license... Oh and by the way, they're going to start eating with or without you so forget the whole nice great american family scene right before they cut the turkey thing. Oh yeah, did I mention you don't know anyone. Ok good. So lets spend thanksgiving in a room full of strangers watching the cowboys game in the corner of a room by yourself! Then go back to the internet-less hotel with your parents. Norman Rockwell couldn't of painted a better picture.

Friday began with a great family meal at where? WENDY'S! I could of went to wendy's my damn self or stopped at burger king at the turnpike! Add the constant and un-ending graduation talk and you'll soon be ready for insanity induced first degree murder. Thank god I had to go back to gainesville, too bad I had to go back for band practice! And even though I had to wake up at 5:00am, I decided staying up and not going to sleep would be wiser... Fooled you.

Saturday... go look it up on ESPN. I will say this. Last year my hatred for FSU was shrouded in a cloud of ex-girlfriend'ness. We totally destroyed FSU last year and I didn't even care. Thank you rotating schedule for having the game in Tallahassee and reminding me why I wish God would swallow FSU and return it back to the earth from which it came. My typically creative self was prohibited from making x-rated yet truthful chants about FSU in the stands this year, but we still had fun watching them loose again. My 24+ hours awake caught up to me on the ride back, but the tuba bus is not for sleeping so I was way to tired for saturday night shenangans.

Sunday = tuba football domination! Dallas Harvin as I know call myself didn't catch any touchdowns due to well, my neglegence. I did catch a 30 yard bomb and I got an interception. This game proved to me that alot of band people have no athletic ability whatsoever and that they also have no understandig of football at all. Double emphasis on the last note. At least Ron Zook understood that you throw to your best player. Ron Zook. We've beaten all the section in the band with males ( seriously, I know what your thinking, and you are correct!) and all we have left is a game against a drumline. Most of all my calves hadn't spasmed in agony yet! And thats really all that matters.


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Dirty Dirty Trojan Whores!

What a weekend! The Gators beat South Carolina the football game. The Sigmas won the stepshow! Even the Dolphins won! And then in accordance with my Armageddon plan, almost all the other teams in college football I needed to lose, lost! I went to bed saturday night with a smile because the gators would be ranked #3 in the BCS.

Haha... Foooled you!

Damn that school whose nicknamed after a latex product! I still need Notre Dame to beat USC. STILL! Jeeze! Whats going on in the world?

Now the gators... I never had a tripple coronary in the stadium before but damn. Right before that blocked fieldgoal my heart decided to take a shot at DJ scratchin. I'm getting tired of these ESPN Sports Classics. Can't we just whoop teams by a million like we used too... way way way back when.

As far as the step show... It sucks being the technical sigma. You have to put together all the sound and this year, video for the show. I basically learned how to edit video just to create a 90 second intro and a 60 second commerical to use in our step show. The hard part is it seems the most changes are made the night before the damn show.

Video presents the biggest challenge because it has to be rendered and that could take up to 30 minutes to put it on a dvd. Good thing the video files are on a cd and they work.

FOOOLED YOU!

Why am I at the game getting text messages about the video files not working? As if I needed anymore feelings of panic. Top that off with Cingular's lack of service when I really really need it plus South Carolina's upset bid, and my resting beats per minute is stuck on fast foward. I finally got in touch with the bros after half-time and solved the problem. I relaxed just long enough untill that pre-mentioned field goal...

You shoulda seen me after the game trying to get to the step show... or maybe not. Trying to change from my smelly band uniform to a Tag Body Spray enriched outfit while driving around campus after a football game was fun. I had no pants or underwear on for atleast 2 blocks and was just waiting for the bus with Nuns and orphaned children to drive by and catch me.

I wish I had gotten to the show from the start so I could make a complete comparative analysis instead of just listening to what people told me, but we killed it. Like 1st Degree killed it. 4 years in a row! Now I can retire and hopefully the next set of bros can pick up some of these technical skills. Or as Stephen Francis told me later that night " they're never going to let you go, ever!". It does feel like that.

See, I through in some non college football stuff. Happy!



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Dirty Dirty Cardinal Whores

I was planning to write about my weekend last night, but then I went 8 rounds in a rematch with my toilet. I've also come to realize that this blog has become very college football oriented. I pledge to inject some none NCAA'ness back into this blog... just not today.

BTW, I went to Jamaica for the weekend for my cousin's wedding. I finally made it to my destination around 9pm 'ish. All I had on my mind was watching Lousiville beat WV in accordance with my "Get the Gators to Arizona" plan. Much to my dismay, ESPN in jamaica is currently known ESPN Desportes and was showing a tennis match in espanol. I did eventually catch highlights on ESPN 2 which is all english as God intented. My plan is going according to well, plan. Now I need the gators to murder vanderbilt, as God intended...

Haha, fooled you. "Watching" the UF game on cbs sportsline website was fun. Waiting for the little football graphic to update every minute was extra fun. Right after half-time my parents whisked me away to a fun filled day around Kingston ( dang, where is that sarcasm font again...)

Yes we do have DSL in Jamaica, and we even set up a wireless router in my aunts house. With this advancement in technology I was able to see the scores when I got back home. I knew UF was going to win, but you never know with that team so I was releaved to see we won. I was even more releaved to see that LSU beat Tenn throwing me into the thing I wanted most... an SEC title game in my college career!

Sadly I wasn't that excited to hear this news, maybe 'cause I was in Jamaica. Maybe 'cause the other scores I saw were so amazing hilarious I forgot all about the SEC Title game. Miss State beat Alabama? Thats horrible. But I heard the earth opened up in Georgia and swallowed the entire town of Athens when UGA lost to Kentucky... as God inteded. The basketball school beat the football school. Crazy.

But now it's monday and those dirty dirtdy Cardinal whores have jumped us in the BCS! Boulderdash! Who has this team played to be so worthy? U of "R&B Thugs" Miami? West "Keep It In The Family" Virgina? Bah! Bah twice!

Now Pitt or Rutgers is going to take care of business... as God intended.



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Chris Leak Meets John Kerry

My last Georiga game as an undergradute Gator... Not bad, too close for comfort, and "Trick Daddy".... It should be interesting next year going as a "regular person" and getting loose at the Landings afterward. Suddenly I'm like a Bond Villan in the tuba section, causing world-wide distruction and killing small animals at the same time. Apparently I'm one of the bad guys in the section. Oh well... Time to get that weather machine powered by baby's blood started.

Part of my evil plan for the Gators to get to the national championship has occured. USC has lost a game and now the Gators are #4 in the BCS. Now I'm doing a little more thinking ahead. Yes I need Lousiville to beat West Virginia, but then just to be safe, I need Pittsburg to beat Lousiville. And I still need Arkansas to lose to Tenn and LSU so I can have my revenge on Auburn...

In other news... Chris Leak took a page from the John Kerry Handbook and memorized chapter five "Flip-Flopping For Dummies". First he has a concussion and has blurry vision, then he doesn't, then his dad says he did, then he doesn't, etc. The way Leak played, I would of played the "Concussion Card", and it would've made my O-line feel guilty. Cause they suck... But not as bad as bad as the Gator's Kicker whose name we do not speak of. We'd be better then going for 2 from the 50 yd line, seriously!

At the end of the day the constants of the Universe remain the same...

The sky is blue.
PB is fat
And Florida State still sucks...

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Episode V: Ghetto Contact Lens Strikes Back

My poor poor blog, you've been neglected. But don't blame me, blame these ghetto contact lenses I was hoodwinked into switched too by my eye doctor. "They're better for you to sleep in" he says. So that same day I slept in them and when I woke up it was like someone had been building sand castles under my eyelids while I was sleeping. I should of switched back to Acuve 2 right then and there....

Fast forward to last Friday night. Or actually Friday evening. I'm at "Phi Beta Sigma presents The Blue Light Special". Everything is going super. Then I step into the afterparty and BAM. Actually it was more like BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM. My left eye is spittin fire, and I don't mean a Lil Wayne vs Eminem freestyle fire, I mean serious pain and suffering.

My eye is starting to look like a national terrorist alert level, but I'm too busy shaking my ass to really care. Finally at around 1:30am, I couldn't take it anymore and I took out my left contact in the uber-hygienic bathroom (where's that sarcasm font... oh well). I thought that would calm the fire in my eye but taking the contact out took me from "white people spicy" to "Latin people spicy" in an instant!

Lucky I didn't drive but anything brighter then a cell phone was sending shockwaves of pain throughout my head. Just punch yourself in the temple with a rusty butter knife and you'll get the idea. When I got home all I could do was collapse on my bed and writer in agony. Thank god it was a bye week cause I would of died at the stadium the next day. Seriously, DOA.

In the morning things aren't getting any better. My garbage blinds at Melrose let in one to many photons and my brain and eye are doing the "Chicken Noodle Soup" all over my nerve endings. Eventually I remembered that this is America and they have drugs here to make the pain go away so I call my eye doctor (same one who bamboozled me into switching contact brands...) and get the earliest (meaning 3:00pm) appointment to make the pain go away.

Apparently Saturdays are the day that all the eye doctors draw straws to see who will work cause it seemed like they only had 1 doctor and like 10 full rooms of patients. I swear I was waiting (in the dark thankfully, though only cause the light in my room was broken...) forever. In my mind I just want some drug to make the pain go away, the infection medicine is a 2nd priority.

The doctor finally sees me. I'm going to try and reproduce it as verbatim as I can remember.
Dr: How long has your eye been hurting
Me: Since 11:00pm last night
Dr: How many hours is that? (cause doctors don't do math....)
Me: Around 16 hours.
Dr: Ok, lets see here, look down, look up, look slightly down.
(Dr. shines lights brighter then the sun into my eye)
Me: Owe!
Dr: Sorry, eyes a little sensitive ( a little...)
Dr: Look left, look down.... OH MY GOD. YOU HAVE TO SEE A SPECIALIST!
(Dr. runs out the room to call the specialist, I note his extreme lack of bedside manor...)
(Dr. returns)
Dr: You have two corneal ulcers. I would normally treat them myself but they're so big I'm not even going to touch it.
(good thing I went to medical school and know what corneal ulcers are, then the Dr sends me away to the specialist...

Now the specialist was playing tennis with his son, so for him to break away from the parental beatdown, unlock his office, and see me, told me more then enough about the seriousness of my condition. He actually explained to me what corneal ulcers were. Gave me a prescription for eye drops to take every 30 minutes and when I sleep, to wake up ever 2 hours and put in drops.

Sidebar: According to google..

A corneal ulcer forms when the surface of the cornea is damaged or compromised. Certain types of bacteria, such as Pseudomonas, are extremely aggressive and can cause severe damage and even blindness within 24-48 hours if left untreated.

Basically, my ghetto contacts put two microscopic holes in my cornea and the bacteria on the surface thought they had VIP Passes to Golden Choral. I hear the eye tissue is pretty good with the barbecue sauce.

So now I have drops. I had some interesting dreams, being that I could only sleep for 2 hours at a time. The pain however, is still blazing. I even had to unplug the fish tank light! Don't get me started on my mortal enemy... The Sun. Yeah that one, giver of life and heat to the world. That bastard! I couldn't even go outside. I couldn't even goto the Player's Ball. Even watching TV was a struggle and don't get me started on using the computer. Even with the brightness turned down to mandingo black I was still in pain.

As the week went by things got better. Driving to the follow up visits with the specialist was quite hilarious with one eye open. I skipped class Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday since The Sun would be waiting for me outside like a 7th grade bully. I did get bold enough to goto band practice wearing sunblocking strips behind my glasses... All I can say about that is DAMN THE GLARE FROM THE INSTRUMENTS!

The specialist finally gave me some Ketorolac Tromethamine drops for the pain to which I refer to them as Liquid Cocaine. Suddenly I can live again! I feel alive! I laugh in the face of the sun (if it's cloudy and overcast...) Now I just need to order some real contact lenses and get them in time for this wedding in Jamaica next weekend...

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BTW... Miami Vs FIU

By the way, the guys at SportsCenter know how to tease us with that fight between FIU & UM. Please check out this video of the fight. It gives you a longer view, but really, I want you to pay attention to what the black commentator says throughout the fight. You can almost hear his white counterpart trying to play it off. This is what's wrong with UM. If the commentator says things like they should fight some more outside the stadium, what do you think the actual players are thinking?

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Groundhog Day: Gator Football Style

Once upon a time... or actually October 13th, 2001. Its my freshmen year. I'm sitting in the stadium at Auburn University. The Gators are ranked #2 in the nation. We've got Rex Grossman, Jabar Gaffney, and Steve Spurrier. We're supposed to beat the crap out of the TigersWarEaglePlainsmen! Thus began the beginning my streak of never winning a game in the state of Alabama. The Gators lost by 3 pts. Auburn was unranked at the time so they joyfully celebrated by tearing down the goalpost. Now if you're a visitor and they tear down the goalpost infront of you, yeah its kinda scary. National title hopes are lost...

But.... The 2001 Gators were hot fire. They made it all the way back to #2. I was predicating a grand national championship game against Miami in the Rose Bow. (Back when Miami was good) They ran the table the rest of the way until the season ending game against Tennessee (post-poned because of 9/11). But people brought Roses to the Swamp and the jinx monster was on our backs, and oh yeah, we lost too. Had we won, we would of went to the SEC championship, gang banged LSU again like we did in the regular season (44-15!), then taught those R&B Thugs at UM what football is really about.

Flash forward to 2006. Yeah I know, engineering is hard ok... Anyway. Its October 14th, 2006. Its my senior+ year. I'm sitting in the stadium at Auburn University. The Gators are ranked #2 in the nation. We've got Chris Leak, Dallas Baker, and Urban Meyer. We're supposed to beat the crap out of the TigersWarEaglePlainsmen! Thus continued my streak of never winning a game in the state of Alabama. The Gators lost by 1 pt (I don't count the fumble recovery because Chris Leak was down!). National title hopes are lost...

But I still believe the 2006 Gators are hot fire. Even though they lost, they're still ranked #6 in the BCS. Everything is setting up nicely for a repeat of 2001 except there's no Bin Laden and we already beat Tennessee. That's two hurdles already surpassed. Now I just want to get an SEC championship. Anything after that is like free samples at Sams. HISTORY IS REPEATING ITSELF PEOPLE!

There are four teams ahead of the Gators in the BCS standings up to #2 (I'm not going to be greedy, #2 is more then enough). I've called my stereotypical Jamaican Ms. Cleo skills and predicted what will happen and how we'll get that number 2 ranking again.

I call it,my Armageddon Scenario. Ohio State will beat Michigan. Notre Dame will beat USC. Louisville will beat West Virginia. And oh yeah... We're going to smash, beat, murder, kill, assault, batter, whoop, and smash Auburn in the SEC Championship game! If all that happens, we'll be in the national championship game. But like I said, I'll be mad content with an SEC Championship.

So look out for these games cause history is cyclical...


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October 6th: The Musical

October 6th, 2005 was bad. I had 2 hours of band practice during a monsoon. Then when I did get home I got sick. I had a bottle of Appleton and I was too sick to even have a drink. Then I went to bed early...

October 6th, 2006 was awesome, stupendous, amazing, fantastic, etc. GOD literally said "Dwayne, your birthday last year sucked, this year will be different". It's also UF homecoming which equals overtime for anyone in band. Good thing I'm such a great gator fan. I decided to retell the joy of my birthday this year in a different way.

October 6th: The Musical
Sponsored by Dad's Credit Card, The University of Florida Athletic Association,
and Viewers Like You

ACT 1: SCENE 1
October 5th, 11:30pm, Club 238 West

Birthday weekend started off pretty good. It was definitely multi-cultural night at 238. It's funny how the club staff acts differently depending on the crowd in attendance. I didn't even get searched! And when I left, it was at a leisurely pace. No shoving, no yelling, no threat of tazing... I also came to realize that two girls dancing sexually on each-other is only sexy in Key West and Cancun, not Gainesville. All and all it was it nice little warm-up for the next day, but sadly, the Malibu was actually hitting me! MALIBU!!!

ACT 2: SCENE 1
October 6th, 7:30am, Downtown Gainesville

When my alarm clock went off I was dead in the middle of a long dream, so I know I was having one of those alcohol related dreams. Glen and I had a plan to have him park downtown ahead of the Homecoming Parade which meant we had to find a spot at the crack of dawn. Good thing my stomach was doing flip-flops all morning. Its like I needed a Pepto Ivy Drip or atleast ginger ale. Then sitting in Glen's living room before the parade, even drinking water was a task.

ACT 2: SCENE 2
October 6th, 1:00pm, University Ave

My last homecoming parade... For someone who practially did a parade every Saturday in high school, to only do one a year in college is different. UF definitely made me soft. I'm sure I could of did the UF Homecoming parade 3 times over in high school, but now... YEEESH! Anyway Glen and I had to go out with a bang and give the 8-ball dance 110%, especially now that the entire section wants to do it too. (Where's my royalties?)

I never ever ever ever did that dance so hard. I channeled my 12th grade form in order to make it look as live as possible, hitting the split perfectly every time. Once you pass 13th st, the crowd becoming increasingly african-american and I think they can get a thrill seeing some UF Pride of the Sunshine Band Members take it to the floor with tubas on. I think we did it about 5 times, but the 6th time... woah. That was it. The boat ran out of steam. Nevermind the fact that it was probably 100+ degrees in those uniforms. If I had to do that dance 1 more time in that parade, I would've spent the rest of the day at Shands Hospital.

ACT 2: SCENE 3
October 6th, 3:00pm, Hooters

Going to Hooters after the homecoming parade is a Tuba tradition. However, don't ever ever ever goto Hooters on your birthday unless you have no shame whatsoever. In my post parade stankness I was made to stand on a stool in the middle of the restaurant, dancing like a chicken, shaking my "rass", while the hooters' waitresses clapped. Yeah, good times. Sadly I didn't have a camera for the whole weekend. That's partially why I have to write this down cause the randomness of it all demands it be recorded in history.

INTERMISSION
Happy Birthday to You, as performed by Stephanie Sadler

ACT 2: SCENE 4
October 6th, 6:45pm, Gator Growl

Waiting beneath the stadium to go on at Gator Growl (Uf''s Homecoming Pep Rally) I had the joy of being officially "piled" for the first time. My 6th (AND FINAL) season in band and I have never been "piled" outside of on a bus. Piling by the way is when the entire section, or it seems like the bigger members, jumps on you like you just recovered a fumble to show how much they care. Birthdays are prime time piling times, but I was sitting on a brick wall by some grass looking innocent.

Then I saw one of the freshmen start creeping toward me like when the cheetah spots the lost elephant cub on discovery channel. In a blink the entire section was on me. It didn't even hurt until the last last last person jumped onto the top of the pile. That's when my internal organs wanted to break free and do a mad scramble inside my belly. All the while the other members of the pile are screaming in agony. It's a very interesting experience.

Gator Growl was just ok. I've been to better ones. The skits weren't funny, and the "fake news" was horrible. The joke about the band being celibate for 100 yrs... I can see how somebody on the outside could think that, but these band kids here... like rabbits I tell ya. I could've wrote a better script in 5 minutes. Oh well. Atleast the comedians were good. Its amazing how you can unite a stadium of people with the joys and pains of hotpockets. Either way it was my last Gator Growl as a student... and it was free!

ACT 2: SCENE 5
October 6th, 11:30pm, Downtown Gainesville.

Whats better then going to club on your birthday for free? How about going to two clubs for free, or as I put it "two clubs for the price of none!" In an Appleton induced state, I went to 238's greek night, (where the only greeks were sigmas for some reason) and then went over to Boss Fridays courtesy of Sam Green. We rolled in there deep and the Boss Friday's people sure looked upset since we all got in free, but hey, it's my birthday!

"Its your birthday" by Uncle Luke came on at both places and I'm sure I burned a few calories or two shaking my rump at both establishments. That was probably the most fun I ever had on actual birthday in Gainesville and I didn't have to pay a dime..

Knowing that I would die from Hangover Poisoning at Saturday morning practice the next day if I didn't eat anything before I went to bed, I instructed Orf to drive me to McDonald's. When we got there we ran into a bunch of Sigma Betas. What a great bunch of kids. They even sang me their own version of "Happy Birthday to You" better then the best Red Lobster Waiter on earth.

Again, I must reiterate, that was the most fun on my birthday in Gainesville I ever had, and I've had a few... Too bad for LSU, my birthday weekend wasn't over...

ACT 3: SCENE 1
October 7th, 8:00am, Coach's Field.

Again my stomach is doing a Chinese Gymnast impression and I'm at practice 4 hours after I went to sleep. Crazy. So Now I'm officially 24 years old. Crazy. Practice is only 90 minutes long because ESPN's College Gameday is here. Crazy!

After are we play at Gameday I stayed behind for two hours just to see Lee Corso put on Albert's head at the end of the program. In the mean time I was surrounded in pure Gator'ness for two hours (like I'm gonna stand in the LSU section!). The best part about Gameday besides the finale is reading all the signs people made.

Well I guess the Katrina tragedy has been relocated to Trivial Pursuit pie pieces and fortune cookie messages cause there were plenty of FEMA oriented signs. One sign in particular had one of those evil black looters wading through flood waters, but he was photoshoped to wear an LSU helmet. Maybe if he was wearing an FSU helmet it would of been more convincing.

Anyway, waiting for Lee Corso to put on your mascot's helmet can be equated to Christmas Morning or perhaps several notched below that to your first time (so i've been told ). I don't want to say it was magical (Lee Corso I mean) but it was simply awesome.

ACT 3: SCENE 2
October 7th, 12:30pm, Rich Guy's Tailgate.

When you're given the chance to play and be fed at a tailgate event hosted by the guy who is so rich he has a sports complex and a street (which probably had it's original name for like 100 years) named after him, you say "thank you sir, may I have another!" I just had to throw this event in the mix cause it just added to my perfect birthday weekend. How many people you know have grilled salmon at their tailgate tent? What else do you expect from Gale Lemerand himself.

ACT 3: SCENE 3
October 7th, 3:30pm The Swamp.

I'm not even going to talk about the game. Go on ESPN and look it up. It was the funnest game in the swamp I can remember. LSwho? Exactly. Nuff said. Only bad part was doing "8-ball" on the way back to Music Building after the game I dropped it like its hot without following standard procedures and strained my quad and my groin all at once! There goes my tips for this week. ;)

ACT 3: SCENE 4
October 7th, 11:45pm Club 238 west

A weekend of fermented liquids and no sleep finally caught up with me. I was so tired I fell asleep watching Tennessee recreate everyone's favorite scene from Pulp Fiction with Georgia. (Georgia is the one with the choker ball in its mouth) Orf had to drag me out to the club which was ladies night, and I got in free because my LB paid for me, and it was full of Gold Teeth Gainesville girls with wobbly booties... my favorite! Even with all that, I was soo tired. I danced a few times but my kreb cycles were shot to pieces, plus every time I tried to execute a patented Fozzie dance move my quad and groin gave me a back slap and asked me where the money was.

Finally back home with a smile. I stamp this birthday weekend as best ever in Gainesville. Only celebrating my 21st birthday a week later on Bourbon Street tops the rankings, followed by my 5th and 6th birthday parties. Anyway, that's the end of the musical, I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did...

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For 3 Cents a Day, You Can Save T.O.

I found this whole T.O. thing to be funny, sad, and interesting all at once. First I don't think T.O. tried to kill himself. Think about it, the most ego-centric football player on the planet suddenly has no self-esteem at all and tries to kill himself? Thats not the tragic part though.

I'm watching T.O.'s press conference and flipping through the news channels and oh look, a crazy white boy has taken his school hostage. I wonder what video game they're going to blame this time. Logic says to follow the hostage story, but ESPN demands I hear T.O. explain why he didn't take the blue pill and leave the matrix. But even that's not the tragic part.

The tragic part is watching ESPN try to do news not related to a highlight reel. Entertainment & Sports Programming Network was not made for "real news". It's like CNN is stuck in traffic so ESPN has to make Kraft Mac & Cheese for thanksgiving dinner. They try to sound so serious but its painfully obvious they suck. Everyone should just know their role. I don't look for international world views during "Rap City"!

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Tebow is Not Jesus, Georgia needs Jews

Ah yes, another Saturday of college football. Atleast this time I was in the swamp and not at Garbage Toilet Melrose!

1. I'm sure ESPN is kicking themselves for not showing the Georgia-Colorado game on ESPN instead of World Series Poker or Scrabble, or Paper Rock Scissors, or whatever non outdoor, sweat causing, gym membership requiring, athletic ability needing, magic the gathering loving sport they had on during the day. Georgia clearly needed any Jewish players they had on scholarship on Saturday.

If it wasn't the Jews then I have another hypothesis. Maybe Mark Richt let some poor dying kid call the plays for the first 3 quarters in accordance with Make A Wish Foundation, or to complete his court ordered community service hours. The minute Georgia started playing like a good team the Colorado defense looked like they had all switched positions get a complete body workout no Total Gym could match. It was like when you don't pick a defesnive play in Madden or NCAA and the computer picks the play for you. What's that 5 Receivers Wide? Lets load the middle with linebackers. No the fat ones, not the fast defensive back looking guy, the big slow, never covered someone not in a wheel chair in his life guy.

I was torn on that game. While any Florida fan can finish the question "What's the Good Word?" **(answer at the end)**, I also didn't want the SEC to look like a bunch of biatches getting skunked by a team that previously got whooped by some I-AA scrubs. I can almost hear the advertising rates for LF (TI, AM, FM, well whatever JP sports is called now), going up.


2. What do you do when you're winning a game by a lot and the whole nation wants the other team to win? Don't ask Michigan State. They wouldn't get that question right if the answer was tattooed on the chest of a 3 breasted lady (like in Total Recall). Notre Dame sucks, we all know that, even the guys in the gold helmets, but I've never seen a game gift wrapped and given away like that before (well there's the Choke at Doak... look it up, geeez). That's why it's always good to keep the receipt.


3. I'm so tired of the Tebow argument. It seems like I have it daily now. People, Tebow is the truth, but the question isn't can he run. Obviously he can pass or he wouldn't be winning Florida High School championships. But High School maketh not the SEC. Key Word is throw passes. Say it with me one more time... Throw Passes! The boy is not ready.

If the people chanting for Tebow in the student section ( mostly drunk people ) had any idea about football, they would question why Tebow has thrown only 6 completions thus far. Meyer's not holding back his arm like a secret weapon. Hello, he's a QB, his arm is not a secret! Next year after he's had a chance to learn how to read defenses at the SEC level, then he'll be unstoppable. Right now, call in the jets cause he's probably going to run.

4. I got the feeling that the TUBA offense would be able to complete a couple of passes against the gators. The Gator Secondary sponsored by Kraft Deli Slice Swiss Cheese Singles got picked apart by Kentucky. Over 200 yards got passed over there heads. Yeah a win is a win, but LSU actually has people who can run and catch... Shocking but true.

5 Finally, I never fully understood why the swamp was such a hard place to play until right before halftime on saturday. The Vols stadium is bigger and I think louder so why is the swamp... THE SWAMP (excluding the Spurrier bloodbath at home years). Then I heard a gator fan shout this to a Kentucky player while I was on the sideline...

Hey #72, your Mom has Breast Cancer and you're going to find out when you get home...!

Whatever happened to a simple "Hey you suck!"

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*The answer to the trivia question was :"TO HELL WITH GEORGIA!!!"


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Whitney Cheated with Osama!

People people people, we need to raise the terrorist activity level to "My Perogative" immediately! The second family of black music is breaking up! We need to warn the media right now. If Bobby and Whitney break up there's no hope for America. NONE! If Whitney & Bobby don't reconcile, then THE TERRORIST WIN!

Look at this article I found about a former mistress of Bin-Laden who says Osama had a crush on Whitney. The article says Osama wanted to have Bobby killed! However unlikely this story is, it still shows us how we as Americans have to stand against the terrorist and keep this couple together.

This is truly a sad time for all Americans. If someone like Bobby Brown (by someone I mean, drugs, alcohol, shiny suits, porn stars) can marry Whitney Houston then there was hope for all of us. Brown never had it so good. He could do whatever he wanted, get arrested, ruin a New Edition Reunion Tour, and still have his wife waiting for him outside county lock-up. That's love.

Then "Being Bobby Brown" came out and we saw that Whitney had her own share of issues because, like I always say, "All Women are Crazy". Now Bobby is looking like the "civil" one. Mainly cause none of the white people new who his was.

14 years of examples on how you should model a true marriage, gone! They were are last hope... No, there's Janet and gulp... Jermaine.


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2 Teeth!.... 4 Teeth!.... That's All We Got.....

For first time in my collegiate career, I'm watching UF Vs Tenn on the TV! I figured I might as well use this free Saturday wisely, but I'm stuck watching football at the same time. Here are my thoughts as they occurred today while watching all the games...

1. Do BYU fans curse when their team misses a fieldgoal? They are Mormon.

2. Why was Boston College band playing "Riding Dirty". Are there even any black people in Boston (who don't play for the Patriots or Celtics)?

3. LSU's band does have black people... but do they know they're black?

4. Remember when Miami was good at football? The Canes, not the Dolphins. I think it's because all of Butch Davis' recruits are finally gone.

5. Did you catch the fierce battle between powerhouses Idaho and Idaho State? Probably not.

6. See Notre Dame! See what happens when you let Ron Zook coach via satellite!

7. Can you see the media bias towards Notre Dame. Before it was gonna be undefeated Ohio State and undefeated USC/Notre Dame in the national championship. Now they say it's going to be undefeated Ohio State and a 1 loss team. Hmm, whoever could they mean...

8. I'd like to take a page from my favorite away message...
F-L-O-R-I-D-A S-T-A-T-E SUCKS!! FLORIDA STATE, FLORIDA STATE, FLORIDA STATE SUCKS!! ...And swallows toooooooooooooo.

9. Reggie Nelson and punt returns = not so good. Reggie Nelson and interceptions = very good

10. How does that old saying go... You can't spell citrus without U.T.


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Slackin on my Pimp'in

I know I've been slackin on this blog. But art imitates life! You should see my room. I still got bags of stuff left unpacked. I still have books to buy for school! Where is my time going?

When I finished my internship I said "Now I'm used to waking up early, I can do it in college" LIES! It's amazing how not getting paid to wake up early will deter you from waking up early. Yeah, you should treat school like a job, but let's be real. PAID... Yeah I'll be getting paid in the future for work I'm doing now. Keyword is now... Young people want to be paid NOW.

Anyway I pledge to get atleast 3 blogs in a week. That should keep the masses satisfied, and keep me from failing...

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I Love Myself, you should try it.

While perusing through people's photos on the facebook, I wanted to back to my profile and refresh my memory on what pictures people first saw when they clicked "view more photos of dwayne", especially now with the ease of facebook stalking. It was during this time that I suddenly had a brief rise in self-esteem and self-image to which I thought.." I love myself " It's something about my selection of pictures that I self tagged that describe me in every possible way. I'm not sure what it is, but whenever I see them, I just think better of myself. Strange?

I'm starting to believe that looking at photos will tell so much more about someone then their profile. You have to put time to write your profile, time for your thoughts and underlying motives to sneak in. Suddenly you've clicked that you're looking for relationship when all you really want is random play.

So the photos... Look through anyone's "view more photos" and you'll see that person looking extra fine or sexy, and you'll see them looking like they just auditioned for the part of Homeless Guy #3 at the local theater. You'll see candid shots and zoolander posses. I think if you soak it all in and process it, you can get an idea (though it could be incorrect) of what that person is like.

I'm an engineer, industrial infact, and we know about data that doesn't fit the distribution. If all the pictures that person has is of them drinking beer doing kegstands while riding a mechanical bull, then maybe they just need to bring the camera around to their other activities like when they're feeding the poor or clothing the lepers. Or they could be infact practicing for the drunk bull riding Olympics.

Don't just look at self-tagged photos. I admit all my self tagged pics show me in an amazing light, while someone else's tags might have me "faded" at the club or looking "a hot mess" on the set. But most of my pictures show me in my natural state... Fine as ever.

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Dwayne Vs The Toilet: Round 2

I'm bloggin from the library. Why the library? Because my ghetto melrose toilet refuses to flush all the way down like a normal one would. Instead it does the opposite and decides to flood my bathroom. Just imagine a brown river doing a starburst towards every corner of your bathroom floor. Then add the fact that I was getting ready to do laundry so all my clothing acted as a natural dam, soaking up all the yummy goodness.

In the meantime I laid down every old Alligator I could find to soak up the chocolate river. Then like a Hazmat specialist, I "picked up" those old ones and threw them out. My clothes are pushed back as far as possible, but there have been some casualties.

And Melrose..., they're two steps toward angry Jamaican mode. Good thing I know a thing or two about turning off a toilet or my whole room would be mess no bottle of fabreeze could deal with. I call for maintenance and surprise, the phones are busy. I goto the office and the "buddy" there asks me if the water is flowing onto the carpet. I should of said yes cause at Melrose, the carpet is more important then my bathroom looking like a transplant from the everglades. I put that order in at 4:00pm, it's 10:30pm and my toilet is still a brown water cooler.

So hence I'm here at the library watching class since there is a slight aroma coming from my bathroom, however slight, just being around it is driving me crazy. I even had to go use the bathroom in the damn clubhouse! The Clubhouse! Just wait till tomorrow....

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Facebook Stalking: Now With Cruise Control

In an effort to due battle with the axis of evil known as Fox & Myspace, facebook has decided to add some new "features". I awoke this morning to find my facebook home exploding with information. When I say exploding, I'm mean like Hiroshima exploding.

Just looking at it now I know that 2 girls I know are "no longer single", a few of my friends created new photo albums, who left groups I'm in, who joined groups I'm in, and suddenly all my recent wall postings which used to be uhm... on my wall, are now on my home page.

Fair enough. Think if it has a web portal for facebook like yahoo.com or msn.com. You can get all your facebook updates on one page. Now you won't have to search friends by "recently updated profile" to see whose doing anything new in their life. And from here you can see how your friends are interacting with your other friends. It's very interesting, atleast from a sociological standpoint.

But like cell-phones allowed us to speak to someone anywhere in the world at anytime, the updates on your profile page have given facebook stalkers their own glass of gummy-berry juice. The mini-feed is facebook stalking gold.

Not only can you look at peoples pictures and read their profiles to learn about them without every talking to them, now you can actually see whose wall they've recently written on and what events they RSVP or declined to goto. It will also tell you what part of their profile was changed so you can stalk more efficiently.

Sooner or later this mini-feed will display who poked you, then we're all in trouble!

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Black People - Stuntin' in my Sunfire

Finally free for blogging! Today I begin with my first blog on black people.

I've long since said I am only black when I have to fill out a form for school and Jamaican every other time. I believe there is a serious cultural difference between African Americans and people of Jamaican decent. So my comments are from a 2nd generation Jamaican guy observing black culture.

As I was leaving walmart I heard the loudest thump I've heard in a while from a car stereo. I expect to see an old Cadillac on 20's (or some white boys in their BMW - this is Gainesville..), but no, I see an old 2 door Pontiac Sunfire blastin the lastest joint out of Atlanta.

It is then that I realize that somewhere between the Emancipation Proclamation and 2006, black people have been led astray. Striving for the best is no longer a goal, just getting by with a ghetto substitute. Instead of working hard and saving up for that BMW on 22's, we settle for the 1985 Honda Civic, add some spinner wheel covers from K-Mart, and throw another G into the stereo.

Like a typical American, I need to blame somebody. Too late to blame Bin Laden. It'd be easy to blame D White Man, but really we ( as in black people ) need to blame ourselves. Yes Blacks had to do everything for themselves during that previously mentioned time people because of segregation and jim crow. But having our own business because white people wouldn't hire us and putting spinners on a mini-van are 2 different things entirely!

Maybe I should blame BET & MTV. They bombard us with iced out grills everyday. And what do we do since we don't have Jay-Z money? Its like when you're in 3rd grade and you want a ninja sword so you can be a ninja turtle but the $5 a week your dad gives you aint enough to buy a real one, so you make your ninja sword out of popsicle sticks... This is essentially what black folk have been doing since 1865... Popsicle sticks!

*Leave a comment, but without spinner hubcaps...

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Black Market @ Butler Plaza or Gainesville Mafia?

Whats the deal with all the people driving mini-vans around Butler Plaza in Gainesville with "goods" they got for "free" at work? I was approached about 4 times by 4 different "vendors" trying to sell me a surround sound speaker system they got free from work. Seriously! Free from work! Where the hell do you work where they give away surround sound speakers?

To my knowledge there isn't a Bose factory anywhere near here. And I hardly think Best Buy and Circuit City give away hundred dollar merchandise to their employees for the free.99. Maybe they work at one of those electronic spots on Main Street that from the outside look like they're more suited to fix your transmission then sell you name brand stuff.

I've been watching alot of Sopranos this summer and they hijack cargo trucks all the time. Is there a Gainesville Mafia, dealing in surround sound speakers and entertainment centers! Next they might move up to matching sofa and love seat sets! Goodlord!

*Leave a comment or you'll never hear your speakers again...

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Summer 2006 - The Album

Moving, gator band, and photoshop are keeping me back from laying down some fresh funny blogs. I even freakin have the same facebook picture up for weeks now cause I'm so busy. And the sweatshop..I mean photoshop "orders" keep coming in with same day due dates... Anyway, this list is something I've done every summer. It's basically the "song of the moment" from my aim profile for just about every week of summer. Here's a tip: try to figure out how my week was going by what the song is...

01. Summertime - Will Smith
02. Working Day & Night - Michael Jackson
03. Back In The Day - Young MC
04. Bling Bling - B.G.
05. We Are The Champions - Queen
06. Shake Your Body - The Jacksons
07. Computer Games - Yellow Magic Orchestra
08. Cry Me A River - Justin Timberlake
09. Dutty Wine - Tony Matterhorn
10. Everybody - The Jacksons
11. Give Me A Try - Sizzla
12. Like Me Real Hard - Mario

*Bonus Track - Leave a comment

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Now Drop Now Drop Now Drop Now Drop & Pray

Have you heard the Kirk Franklin remix for "Looking For Your". If you can find a link to where we can hear it on the internet please let me know. Anyway, this is clearly the worst case of being surrounded by Yes Men since the guys who keep letting the Wayans brothers make movies!

Looking For You done with the Fat Man Scoop song "Drop" beat... Thats it. I don't even have to say anything. I have no joke to make, this remix does all the work for me. It isn't even mixed right. They slowed down the speed of the lyrics to match the beat so now it sounds all out of key and then they made Kirk Franklin sound off key.

This is also a case of trying too hard to make gospel sound mainstream. It reminds me of when Kirk Franklin's Stomp came out. I was in Walmart and two black ladies were saying how Stomp was not gospel enough. If I could see those two women now. They probably think Stomp is like Handel's Messiah compared to this remix...

*Leave a comment, but leave the remixes to P. Diddy

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I Only Dance With Girls!

Just came back from the club and while I'm sending out these two 10mb email flyers I had to jot down a few thoughts on girls who goto the club and only dance with their girlfriends..

This is a public service announcment... If you're a girl and plan to only dance with your girls please abide by the following rules.

1. Do not dance in the middle of the dance floor and expect noone to try and dance with you.
2. Do not make repeated eye contact with a guy and/or smile at a guy and then act crazy when they try and dance with you
3. Do not "back it up", "drop it likes it's hot", or "make it clap" against the wall and be surprised when a guy wants a repeat performance on his own pelvic region
4. If your girl does start dancing with a man, do not get jealous and pull her away from him.
   

Follow these simple rules and we will all be better off in the future.

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Photoshop = Sweatshop

When I first started messing around with Photoshop I thought it would be cool when I got good enough for people to ask me to make flyers for them. Damn my vain'ness. Making flyers is actually fun, especially when you do finish and see the flyer in full color print. But when you have to do 4 photoshop projects in 3 days, you start to get well, miserable.

I should just tell these people that I already have enough things to do with my limited time after work. But I have a "can't say no" syndome when it comes to things that I can do on the computer. This all includes photoshop, web design, and audio mixing. Damn my talented technological brain!

But Fozzie, I thought you enjoyed making funny pictures? Look at your facebook albums! - Well yes that's true, but lately I've spent no more then an hour doing those wacky pictures. Largely because they don't need to look real. They look "real enough" that someone can see the Thriller Cover and almost imagine I was really on it. (Only my meeting with Bush had to look real because it was my first time using photoshop and I wanted to push the envelope of what I could do).

Flyers and web sites... I might as well make t-shirts for Kathy Lee Gifford somewhere in Malaysia! Though I have yet to "sign" my flyers (maybe I should) it's easy to tell someone, Hey I made this, when the flyer looks nice. I'd rather not attach my name to crappy work.

With that mindset, I try to make the flyers look as professional as I can given my current skill level. All that attention takes time. Especially with revisions and printer requests, flyers take alot of time. Blue & White Weekend alone ( though that's not the average flyer ) coupled with my internship took days to finish.

Many of the Blue & White Weekend flyers were created before I started working. Then it's fun. Those flyers went like this...
Eat Breakfast - Work on Flyer - Watch People's Court - Work On Flyer- Eat Lunch - Work on Flyer- Watch the Simpsons - Work On Flyer - Play Madden - Work On Flyer - Dinner - Work on Flyer - Goto Sleep. Plenty of "work on flyer" time.

Now with my internship...
Eat Breakfast - WOOOORK- WOOOOORK -WOOOOOOORK - Eat Lunch -WOOOORK - WOOOOORK - Eat Dinner - Work on Flyer. Notice the difference? We're not even gonna get into web sites which I also use photoshop to begin the site's graphical side.

So if you see me looking very grumpy, don't worry it's not you, it's those flyers, giving me the skills I need to work in the sweat shops of tomorrow... or today! I hear Shaq has a shoe deal in china...

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School Uniforms Are For Losers... And Rich People

A COMAP and a long list of legit projects to do in Photoshop are holding me back from my blog creativity. Oh well, it's not like I'm getting paid for this nonsense...yet. I was going to make this my only post for today, but then a crazy lady with a screwdriver and some Vaseline had to get on a plane bound for New York(as reported by Foz News, but the CNN article says otherwise) But first...

The topic of today's (which is really what I wanted to write about from Monday) is the exciting world of school uniforms. Now I haven't worn a uniform to school since Pre-School, so I was trying to look at their purpose from a "school board" point of view.

But why do I give a @$#@ about school uniforms anyway? Monday was the first day of school in Dade County and my leisurely drive to work (until I get on Lejuene Road) took a backseat to school zones and flashing yellow lights. Driving at speeds measured in microns through one particular school zone in Carol City, FL I noticed two things.

1. All the kids are wearing practically the same combination of colors
2. Though the colors are the same, the styles and quality of the clothing items are vastly different. It's like one kid wearing LaCoste orange polo and another kid in the orange Arab (that's black people speak for a plain undershirt) So obviously this school has a "uniform policy", a term that I use loosely.

But first in true Fozzie fashion, I had to do my research.

Studies show that Uniforms work, but only initially. After the new car smell goes away, the bad kids get back to f'ing up the good ones, but at least everybody is getting their ass beat in style... in the upper middle class neighborhoods at least. This article which quotes another article says

"The drastic decline uniform supporters had envisioned did not occur" (1).
Alarmingly, in middle schools, where uniforms were mandatory, fights nearly
doubled over a four-year period from 186 in 1996-97 to 284 in 1997-98. The
district administrators attempted to explain away this startling fact by
pointing out that fights increased at non-uniform schools as well from 152 to
201 over the same period (1).

To be honest with you I'm reading this article as I'm writing this blog and I'm amazed at how far some people are from reality.

Supporters further claim that uniforms improve attendance. According to
proponents of these policies, uniforms improve school attitude and spirit which
brings about a net decrease in truancy and absenteeism.

Seriously! I'm the biggest Gator fan in my group of friends but that has nothing to do with me skipping a class and going back to sleep. And though the school I drove by in Dade county clearly has a liberal policy on uniform styles, one principle in Polk County needs to take the gerbil out of his ASS;

A middle school student at Boone Middle School in Haines City was recently
suspended over the color of his sweater. School administrators claimed that the
sweater was black and his mother insisted that it was navy blue, an approved
color. His mother contacted the manufacturer to verify that it was blue. She was
told that the company did not make that particular style in black, so it was
definitely blue. Despite the evidence, her son, an honor student with an
excellent record, was suspended during the week of the Florida Comprehensive
Assessment Tests (F-CATS)

The article is full of Pre-911 references when Americans has way to much time on their hands. Look at this quote about a girl who got in trouble for wearing Capri pants:

The reason the assistant principal gave was that the pants contained 4% spandex.
According to the uniform policy, spandex clothing is forbidden. When the mother
later asked her daughter how the school official had determined the fabric
content of her pants, her daughter informed her that the overzealous
administrator had reached inside of the child’s pants to read the tag.

So what does this have to do with my initial observations driving past that school on the way to work? Well what is the point of a "uniform policy" when all the kids have on different clothes. When I was in middle school, they told us uniforms would stop kids with bad clothes from getting made fun of. Fair enough, only if you're only allowed to buy the uniform from a set group of vendors.

Like I said before, if my "uniform" includes a Lacoste polo and Docker khakis and your "uniform" is a flea market Arab and some brown Dickees (the spelling is not a joke!) then who's going to be made fun of here? Probably the poor kid. Who's going to get mad and start whoopin ass? The poor kid. You see my point here? Either have the policy for real or let everyone where their tall black tees in peace.

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Zoolander 2: Castro's Revenge

Looks like our old buddy Fidel has been strutting his stuff down the runways in Havana's fashion district. As we all know, pictures of Fidel looking fine in his track suit have been published by "state run" newspapers in Cuba "proving" that he's not dead after all. You know what Fidel, using photos to prove something worked all the time, IN 1965!

When I first saw the pictures on the news, I thought "I don't believe it! I could put my face on that very same picture in photoshop and make it look real". But then I thought that was waaaaay too much effort for a non-Cuban to shut-down a conspiracy.

You do have to wonder why there's no video, or especially live video of Fidel. Like I said before, photos don't cut it anymore. I've fooled many people (albeit for 3 seconds) that I really met president Bush with my "HNIC" facebook picture. On a similar note, check out this photoshop contest at worth 1000 called Where is Fidel ? I personally like the one where Fidel is about to go down Splash Mountain.

Thirdly. Cuba is lucky (or I guess un-lucky depending on how you look at it) they don't have any oil. Though we all thought Iraq was going to put the 51st star on the flag, Cuba has a good shot to win the race. It's only 90miles away! Instead of using National Guard (which is doing more guarding of the 51st state #2 then the other 50) we can just use Miami-Dade police. With Fidel relegated to pretend photo-shoots, the place is ripe for the taking.

Yeah there's the whole Raul thing too but if we beat the British, the French, the Germans, the Italians, the Russians, the Mexicans, the Africans (literally), the Japanese, the Australians (in 2034), then we can handle Raul!

And for a bonus for reading all of that foolishness, check out the 16 Ways The CIA Wanted To Kill Castro. See, we had plans, can't we just Vista them up a little bit. Or maybe this time use a Mac. Either way, I won't tell if you don't tell.

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Jesus Smith = Muhammad Ackbar?

I was watching the news this morning (5:30am!) and they were talking about the guys who had planned to blowup the planes in mid-air. I'm not gonna bore you with comments on that whole situation cause that's CNN and *gasp* Fox News' job.

This post is about the single sentence she made when discussing the characteristics of the terrorists. Now I don't blame her, she's just a face reading a script, so my finger pointing are aimed at the station writers. She "reported" that the alleged terrorists were mostly British citizens or residents, had ties to Pakistan, and call the PC Police - all had Muslim names!

If I was Muslim I'd be unnerved that my religion has officially gained the stereotype of Terrorist. I'm sure they yearn for the good ole days when people simply ignorantly lumped them up with Indians behind the register at convenience stores saying things like "Thank you, come again" or "Slim Jim good for you, slurpee red or blue"

But the real issue here is the term "Muslim Names". Believe or not there are people who believe in Santa Clause or spin a dreidle for 8 nights who live in the middle east. Kwanza... Probably not, but the point is that people who live in the middle east aren't classified as Muslim, they're middle eastern!

Unless your name is Martin Luther or John Paul, there is no such thing as a Christian name. I've heard that term thrown around before but Christianity cannot be claimed soley by any of the Latin based languages in the world.

But back to this lady's statement. Would be worse if she had said all the terrorists had "black people names"? There's no such thing officially as a black person name, but I know enough LaQuishas to make a case for an official classification. What about white people names (which I have and dammit all my kids are gonna have too!)? Is that an English name or a white people name? Maybe congress should argue about the separation of church and name?


*Leave your name (the religious one) and a comment
*I also realize "white people name" is bad English, or is it bad religion?


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