Don't Taze Me Blog!

Somehow my roll as a Kunta Kinte stunt double at work has prevented me from writing in my blog at all. Add to the fact that Academic Karma has me working on Saturday's during gator games with only brief passing glimpsed of a tv, thus my Ms Cleo'ness from last season are a lot more volatile.

After a few minutes of self-contemplation and a discussion with Professor Simpo, here are the reasons why UF lost to Auburn, and all other related thoughts...

1. We all thought we were gonna smash Auburn to little WarEagePlainsmen bits, and we don't even play on the team. You know how it is when you play a season in NCAA and you have a game against Broke Negro State sandwiched between No 1 USC & No 4 West Virginia, you say F it and simulate that hoe! (thats the next dance.. mark it down... simulate that hoe). The Gators forgot that sometimes when you simulate a game, the playstation secretly switches the players' teams so you end up loosing.

2. Somebody find Riley Cooper a 100 Pack of crayons and a Color-Me-Playbook. If I hear about another play where Tebow throws left and Cooper runs right I'm going to loose it. I know he's a true freshmen and all, but he's not the first true freshmen to play receiver in Urban Myer's offense..**cough** Percy Harvin **cough**. I know I have no idea what it is to play receiver for the Florida Gators, but sometimes, neither does Cooper. I just demand a lot from my Florida receivers...

3. Remember the old Secondary being like swiss cheese. Man, those were the days. Our secondary is like the Emperor's New Clothes! Like everyone tells me it's there, but I must be one of the stupid people who can't see it. At other times the defense looks like somebody pulled Player No 2. cord out of the machine. Either Tennessee's QB really sucks or Auburn's QB last name is Manning. UF is one of the few colleges with a Law School... can't we find an NCAA loophole that will let us bring back our Gator Alumni playing in Jacksonville, just for one day. Not even one day, just 2 quarters! Imagine Reggie Nelson's presence on Auburn's last drive. Dreams are for kids!

4. Illinois (coached by those we do not speak of) actually won their big game. Thank god for Sunshine Laws and the Freedom of Information Act. It turns out Urban Meyer and Ron Zook were filming a pilot reality show (soon to be copied by fox). In this show College coaches get to switch teams for one day with another coach. It just so happened (yeah... coincidentally) that Ron Zook picked Urban Meyer's name out of the Bear Bryant Swap Hat. Luckily they don't get to bring their coordinators, but the funniest thing in the world is watching Dan Mullen try to understand what language Ron Zook is speaking. If only the Zooker would let the Playstation call the plays...

5. The Gators can't beat a team with 3 mascots. The truth is, the Gators can't beat any team whose mascot(s) are more then 4 syllables. We beat the tigers! We Beat the War Eagle. We even beat the Plains... but not the "men". That silly last syllable drove through the seriously lacking defense and kicked that 3... twice!

6. At the end of the day, the gators didn't loose the game, the refs did! Its the most obvious explanation. Now we all know that in every before every gator game, Jeremy Foley accidentally leaves an unmarked briefcase full of Regans... oops I mean Benjamins in front of the Referee's hotel room door. Those are the blow out games. Games that are close are usually paid for by check and thus require a longer turn-around time before the calls go our way. And sometimes we get outbid by the other team *cough*FSU 2004*cough*

Well on Saturday Foley got trumped by his boss Emperor Machen The Great. You see Bernie has a little problem. A certain loud mouth knucklehead by the name of A. Meyer (no relation.. or is there....) wanted to test out that darn Bill of Rights by going one on 7 with the University PD. Maybe if he was Jackie Chan... but some random white boy...nope! So where did that blowout briefcase full of money go... Hmm, I hear Andrew Meyer has suddenly forgotten all of the events that occurred... and he never has to work again....coincidence...

7. This isn't a reason but not a sad reality. Florida is now No 9. When we beat No1. LSU we'll probably only get our old spot of 4 back. We actually have to root for RON ZOOK to win this weekend to improve our own ranking! Goodlord! I hear the Old Navy Tech-Vest is making a comeback in hell!

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Summer 2007 - The Album

How time flies. The Blog is over a year old already. Anyway.. even though this was my first summer as an adult, I still want to continue the tradition of having a song to represent every week of my summer. Now go to i-tunes (haha suckers) or wherever you download music from and check these songs out.

June
01 - Throw Some D's - Rich Boy
02 -Stokie - QQ
03 - Flex - Mad Cobra
04 - A Bay Bay - Hurricane Chris
July
05 - 9 to 5 - Dollar Parton
06 - Computer Games - Yellow Magic Orchestra
07 - Crank That - Soulja Boy
08 - Anonymous - Bobby Valentino
August
09 - I Can't Help It - Michael Jackson
10 - When Can I See You Again - Babyface
11 - Backseat - Brian McKnight
12 - Beautiful Girl - Michael Jackson


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Pyramids are for Pharos... and Suckers!

What a crazy month I've had, and I never not once ever got to write it down on the internet for total strangers to see. I almost got involved in a pyramid scheme, my job pushed me one foot over the edge, and I'm starting to get into a serious relationship.

Sadly, my blog has to remain job complaint free. Equally as sad is the fact that my budding relationship has to remain sarcasm free... to a point. So I'm gonna focus on this awesome business opportunity.. uhh, I mean pyramid scheme.

As you know I'm taking the steps to become a freelance graphic designer. I went to Barnes & Nobles to buy a book on graphic design after work. This guy and his wife apporaches me talking about how he has a buisness and they do work with Circut City which he asssumes I work for since he apparently can't read the logo on my shirt. He asks me if I'm keeping my options open to make more money (who isn't ) and he takes my cell number. He calls me a week later and we set up a meeting at Barnes & Nobles.

Thus begins the madness.
To me this guy was the posterboy for unprofessional details. He pulls out a business folder filled with loose-leaf sheets torn from a binder. Like he couldn't open the binder and take the paper out. Alright whatever, I wanna hear how I'm gonna make this money. Nope. First we discuss why 10% of the world owns 90% of the wealth, what my dreams are, and the difference between residual and linear income. That last one is apparenlty a big selling point. Do some work now, get paid forever. Makes sense to me. He tells me the compnay sets you up with an internet store and they're not looking to take my money...We arrange another meeting for him to actually explain how the "system" works.

At the next meeting (froth with more torn looseleaf), the guy slowly goes into how the business actually works. Within seconds I recognize that this is a pyramid scheme. Well after some internet research, it's really called Multi-Level Marketing. Essentially, you sell stuff, you keep a percentage of the profit, and your "upline" or the guy who signed you up gets a percentage, and so forth. Obviously here it's good to be the king. My research showed that the guys at the top make most of their money from selling "optional" motivational books to the guys near the bottom. Even though I was no longer interested in this "buisness opportunity" he kept calling me honest and sharp so I continued the process while playing the PS3 version of Devil's Advocate.

The next and final meeting is at this guys house where he's supposed to show me his business website. Mind you, even mapquest couldn't find this place in Hialeah, Fl. All the while I'm paying specific attention to things in this guy's home because he claims to be a successful business owner through the system. Well not enough to upgrade the 1997 Eclipse in the driveway.

Nobody answered the door, but he suddenly appeared from the side. He leads me into the side of the house into this tiny room. I'm not sure if he lives in all of this house or just this little studio looking place on the side. Furthermore, the only furniture in this room was an old love seat and two 1985 lawn chairs. We are now playing Devil's Advocate on the Hard setting.

He tells me more about how the business works and that I'd have to make a list of people to recruit. He never talked about selling stuff on your store, just about recruiting people to become your downlines, and helping your downlines get their own downlines... Another interesting fact was that during the first month, your store has to make $200. So if nobody buys anything, you have to buy it yourself. Why do that when you can goto walmart? Well this guy didn't think it through cause his whole house was stocked with stuff from his own store.

Finally, after more looseleaf paper ripped from binders, he decides to show a video about a successful couple who used to program to become millionaires. I almost lost it when lo and behold, we watched the dvd on his Playstation 2! Business owner!!!! You are watching a promotional video with a perspecitve client on the playstation? Later I found out the guy in the video is actually the CEO of the whole company and did not go through the system...

I prompty told the guy I wasn't interested anymore and went to work. But the sad part is this dude is an electrical engineer with no sense. I still got his card. I'm gonna send a spy in a year and find out if he's a millionair or not.

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Photoshop for fun and profit...

I recently changed my facebook picture to this fresh little ditty. I call it Only Child: Vol 1 since I plan to make more images like this in the future. The response was pretty good. You should see it spread out on my 22" screen. I also posted this picture to some of the photoshop groups on facebook and one particular response has really opened my eyes.

This guy who makes fliers and other things in photoshop on the side said I was pretty good for someone who's only been using photoshop for a year. Couple that with all the fliers I've made for the frat and the flyer I made for KC (which they paid me $300!) and I suffered an epiphany.

Why don't I start doing photoshop on the side for some extra cheese? It makes so much sense. I've been buying books and going to the library trying to get all the knowledge I can to make this a reality. I've already got a little plan in the works to get things rolling.

1. Learn Photoshop ( Check )
2. Learn Illustrator - an more importantly, how to use the pen tool and bezier curves!
3. Learn InDesign
4. Re-learn Dreamweaver
5. Create a portfolio of professional works -
6. Create a fresh website to showcase my work
7. Do freelance work on the side...

Yeah I'm only on step 2... I'm also reading a lot of books on design composition and layouts. I believe I should be up and open for business before the end of the year. My goal is to simply make a "5th paycheck" every month. Think of how much easier life would be with an extra paycheck every month, just from messing with adobe products.

All I need now is a name for my one man company...

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When Photoshop Was Fun

Before I lost my mind making flyers for people, I used to have fun with photoshop. I still do periodically, though now only on my days off. Anyway, here is my facebook album of facebook photos I made just for fun. There you can find fun stuff like this picture of me as Superman...

http://ufl.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2027382&l=53651&id=2014605

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My Blog for Dummies

Too lazy to read every single post on this blog to truly understand me? Never fear. I switched the blog to the "new template system", cursed at the computer for an hour to make it look like it used to, then added a Top 10 List of my favorite posts on the right side. Now you can get straight to the meat and skip the carbs! This list will change as "more better" posts are created.



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Big Boy Camera

Right after I graduated (and counted all the skrilla) I decided I was ready to get a big boy camera. I always took some nice shots with my little sony, but I've always been a stickler for quality. All summer I'd spend hours on flickr looking at how great shots taken with a dSLR (aka the Big Boy Camera) looked and I said to myself that one day I would buy one. I believe the only constraint at the time was the $400+ needed to buy one.

Long story short ( it's 3am and I'm bored...) I got a Nikon D50 on sale right after New Years. Unless you too own an SLR then that means nothing to you, but you should be happy to know that I'm almost ready to add "photography" as an official hobby. I do need something to replace "playing the tuba" in my life. I say almost because I don't really have much opportunities to take pictures of stuff. During daylight hours I'm either asleep or at work and as we all know, days off are for laying in bed watching Law & Order.

I do however get a chance every now and then to really put my camera to use. The pictures littered throughout this post were taken with my Big Boy Camera. When I move out and get my own place ( within 10 months according to my ridiculously aggressive savings plan ) I want to decorate my walls with poster size versions of all my "gangsta pics". Anyway, I've had a chance to use this camera on about 5 occasions ( thats almost $100 per occasion! It pays for itself people!) and these were some of the best ones I got. What do you think so far?

*Some indian tribes believe leaving a comment will steal your soul....


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Caveman Logic

There are times at work when my job is purely physical. No thinking involved. Just lift, set, push, etc. But you know, I am a scholar, and my brain refuses to go on auto-pilot. It's during these sessions that surprisingly, my mind churns out random acts of proposed creativity for me to work on later. Sadly,later involves me in bed watching a complete season of 24, pushing all my creativity to the side. Lucky for me I have a blog and I can record my wasted thoughts for as long as the Internet exists (until Skynet takes over...)

Anyway during a recent stretch of pure non-college degree requiring labor, this brief stanza of poetry entered my mind:

I'm like the first monkey that stood up on two legs
Looked at my girl Eve and said,
Let me hit that apple

Brilliant! So deep, so provocative. You could take that statement so many ways. At the time of it's creation I was in serious caveman mode at work. Lift, set, push, etc. I haven't really had a chance to figure out what it means. Got any ideas? I'd love to read your interpretation.

I do recall (and if you were at this one particular poetry night) writing a few poems to explain how I felt at the time. I think I might get back into it. But that would take time away from watching Law & Order on TNT on my days off. If only I could get a flux capacitor!

BTW, did you notice how I'm infusing all my pop-culture references with wikipedia now. I realize that not everyone has seen Back to the Future 50 million times or realized the machines take over in Terminator. It's basically for those people who watch family guy and don't get any of the jokes cause they been living under a rock their whole life... or watching BET.

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Do it Dollar!

You know I always say the coolest thing about a blog is re-reading old posts. Especially when you're full of charm and wit like myself. The one life moment I have yet to blog about is the national championship game in arizona. I don't know why I never decided to write it down, and the more time I waste, the harder it will be to get the facts straight. So please, if you see me online, or in facebook, remind me to write about that game. It will be very funny and entertaining, I promise... If I could just get off my ass.

In the meantime, here's the post from my birthday that reminded me why having a blog is so cool.

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Something About Sunsets

Another day off from works slips away. Things planned, circumvented by a 24 Season 5 Marathon on my hard drive. Earlier, well 4am yesterday, I planned to write about all the funny things I noticed in the club that night. You'd be amazed that most of the people in the club can be funneled down into a few categories. Maybe later.

Anyways, in an effort to make my ginormous 22" computer screen continue it's out of the box freshness, I changed the background picture again, this time choosing a photo I took of the sun setting in key west. At times I find myself just looking at this pictured I've had for over a year, stretched across the screen, and I realize there's something about sunsets that is connecting with some inner emotion inside me somewhere.

Where I work there are no windows to the outside world. After about 7 hours without natural sunlight, there's something about looking through the Customer Pickup bay doors and seeing the sun set over the Sawgrass Expressway. The way the light rays bounce off the shiny floor and practically blind you. I'm not even sure what the feeling is called. It's not sad, happy, or mad. More like a longing. Longing for what though?

Even this same picture in key west has me longing for something. I just can't put my finger on it.

Oh Dollar, the sunset is your life before you started working

I though of that, but I kinda like working life. I like how I bought this fresh new computer without any assistance from my parents. I'm loving how if a get my saving plan right, I could have my own place in a year. I'm REAAAAAAAAALY looking forward to that.

Sunsets... what could it be? Any ideas people? I've used up all my 12th Grade AP Psychology Skills I can think of. That and one of our neighbors is having a "gathering" that I can hear through my window at 2:00am. Yeah, I forget, not everyone works on sunday.



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Days Off are for Blogging!

Oh how long has it been blog. You are like a high school girlfriend I run into at the club just after you finished sliding down the pole in drunken ecstasy. Sadly, it's hard to remember to blog about all the foolishness I encounter in the world when I don't leave work until 9:30pm. Also much of my madness is from observations made at work and uhm... I'd like to keep my job.

I have decided to spare my neglected readers and promise to blog on my days off from work. I think that will at least make the posts flow against until either;

A. I get a schedule that mimics the rest of the corporate world
B. I get a new job that also includes A.

And I don't think either A or B is happening anytime soon.

I have meant to write stuff here plenty of times since I started working in my new department, but it's just something about leaving work after 9:00pm, driving for 30 minutes (mostly on a highway), taking a shower, and eating a late late dinner that stifles my blogging creativity.

Begin Sarcasm.... NOW

So I was reading about how the Virgina Tech shooter bought some empty clips off ebay. That's news people. Ebay is probably gonna have to regulate things like that. My point however is the useless info the media loves to hit us with.

The article also detailed the rest of the shooter's transactions on ebay. He sold football tickets and OMG, a calculator! Thanks Action News. What's that, there's more! He only used the calculator for a semester! Get Jack Bauer on the line right now!!!! Wait, there were games on the calculator. Good lord! Get the Joint Chiefs on a conference call a.s.a.p.

Like seriously people. This man killed over 30 people, and I need to know that he has a 98% rating on ebay. Forget his psychological issues, that 98% says it all. One person knew all along that this guy was wacko, but all he could do was give a thumbs down on his transaction..

End Sarcasm.... Now

So much more things to say, but they're neither witty nor sarcastic. I'll keep it separate and put in the next post.

Remember that girl PleaseLeave A. Comment... Yeah she was fine!



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I'm turning into my mother!

Wow... time flies when you have a job, and so does Blogspot. I just finally switched to the new version (they uhm, forced me) and it's ok so far. This label thing is just another piece of information to forget. Worst of all I have yet to blog about my all expense paid arse whooping of Ohio State. Sooner or late I'll do it!

Anyway, I've been working for almost a month now. I'd like to keep my job so I'm gonna restrain myself from ever blogging about it. However I will say that I just noticed something horrible today. I think there are two types of workers in this world and my parents are examples of both.

My dad works a million different shifts, but when he works the one similiar to most regular people it's amazing the amount of things he can get done after work. I say amazing cause even know I look at my life once I "punch out" for the day and it'd devoid of activity.

My mom, and I, both work on our feet for the entire day. The entire day! Now I got my Dr. Scholls but it's something about coming home after you've been standing all day. Like my mother I get my dinner, jump in my bed, and watch tv for the rest of the night. She watches her TIVO'd soaps, I watch download episodes of 24 or Sopranos or whatever tv show I skipped the first time.

I harken back to my summer days when I would work at a desk in a comfy chair, then go play basketball or jog. Now. Ha! Basketball! The court better be made of temper pedic memory foam first! My post-work slothful'ness has also led to the decline of my blog activity, which is the worst tragedy of them all. But I think my schedule is about to change (goodbye weekend!) so maybe it'll inspire me to write more here.

Screw this, I'm going back to my bed.

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American Gigalo

Ladies and gentlemen, I am now a working man. But honestly, it's not any different then working over the summer. Sure working for FPL and working for a furniture company involve different things, but I still maintain the fundamental truth of working after college..

When you're done for the day... YOUR DONE! No going back to the library a couple hours later, no meetings in the damn Reitz Union, no more band practice in the cold! Yeaaaah!

I do miss college, but not enough to blog about it yet, and yeah my blog about putting a code 187 on Ohio State is long over due, but today is about working like a grown up.

Everyone is making a big deal about me finally going to a full time job, but honestly it really doesn't feel any different then my summer job. While I'm in training, the pay is practically the same, the hours are almost the same, and I still go and play basketball afterwards.

Perhaps the biggest difference is I'm training to be a supervisor of people. Regular 9 to 5 hourly cats. No shirts and ties here baby, we're in the back end of the furniture business. Half of me says "great, I've been supervising people my whole life" and the other half says "crap, if I mess up I'm gonna cost people their money and the company money!"

But the theme of my training along with my group is "change the game" cause I'm looking at everything from an industrial engineer point of view and I can definitely see things that could be improved, but first I gotta pay my dues. Sad but true. Half the time I feel like I'm pledging. Lifting heavy objects, studying in a freezing room. Madness!

Just wait, two weeks to be exact... CHA-CHING!



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Alcohol and Church don't Mix!

Ah yes, another Christmas in Jamaica. You know, I'm the most completely relaxed whenever I go there. Maybe it was because we didn't have broadband. Or even farther back, we didn't have cable. But now this year I had both. Throw in the ps2 and it's a wrap for productivity.

After that ESPN Classic known as Finals Exam Week, I was prepared to transform into a slug-like Jabba the hut and not move for 10 days, eat sausage sandwiches with hardo'bread, and read. I also planned to spend as little time with my parents at night as possible. Nothing is more grueling then hanging out with your parents at a midlife crisis bar around midnight. For the most part, I accomplished my goal, but they did catch me offguard on the last night.

It seems like forever ago so I'll just hit up the main points.

1. Spririt airlines had a plane change, and well, Jamaicans don't follow directions. Its funny when you get on the plane and the flight attendants refuse to go past first class cause the passengers are all pissed that people are in their seats. Basically it was every man for himself on the plane, or seat wherever you want, just like a city bus! HOORAY! Top that off with the white male flight attendant trying to diffuse the situation saying things like "respect and irie mon". Did I mention our luggage didn't meet us until a few days later.

2. I get the feeling that Jamaicans in Jamaica think us "Americans" don't know anything about Jamaica except for Bob Marley and Cool Runnings. Uhm, hello, I do recall being Vice President of the Caribbean Student association at one time. We went to Quad ( a club ) and my God-sister kept asking me who if I know this dance or who sings that song like I was some pasty white tourist from England. Come on man! I admit I would probably use all my lifelines early on Who Wants to be a Jamaican Millionaire, but don't act like I don't know anything.

3. Christmas day was wack, and I knew it would be way ahead of time. I told GOD one night that it didn't matter if Christmas sucked because he LET me graduate so I'll take that any day of the week over the Superman DVD collection (which I didn't get). My parents didn't really give me anything. Nothing new there. I stopped getting amazing Christmas gifts back in the Sega genesis days. I get my true Christmas joy from giving unique gifts but this year, I didn't have time to get anything super fresh for my parents (see ESPN Sports Classic - Fall 06 Semester) so no magical mom opening up the super fresh gift moment this year.

4. Get the entire agenda before you get drunk. Christmas night in Jamaica usually also means the biggest party of the year (for me atleast). It means an all inclusive party, where the music is right, and the drinks flow like a busted dam. I was also aware I had to be at my cousins son's christening the next morning. I had to leave after about 6 rum and cokes and I when I laid down to sleep with the room spinning I smiled. I smiled because Christmas wasn't so bad, I was uber-tipsy, and all I had to do was wake up, goto church and sit in the pew.

FOOOOOOLED YOU!

I wake up 4 hours later. The room is still spinning. Not good. I kinda feel queasy. Not good. My mom informing me that I will be reading the first lesson out loud infront of the whole church, NOT GOOD! I think I summed every ounce of all that is holy to read from that bible that day without messing up or getting lost. But you know, like I always say, I'm a professional.

5. I managed to escape going out with my parents several times, but the last night I had to choice. My uncle has a jazz night at his house every year, and it's pretty neat. Live musicians, singers. I almost want to go and get on the mic too, but I didn't know any "standard ballards". After the music is over, the torture began. My parents are busy talking to people that haven't seen in years and I'm stuck in the under 40 crowd all by my darn self... Lucky I found a funny book to read or I was seriously going to jump infront of a moving car.

In conclusion, Jamaica was straight as usual. Very relaxing. Maybe since I was looking forward to going to Arizona, I didn't get to appreciate JA like normal. I'm sure after a year of working WITHOUT VACATION will renew my love of the land of wood and water.

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Blog - You Are Not Forgotten - Blame the Rum

Dear Blog,

I miss you.

Love Dwayne.

So many things have happened since my last entry, but suddenly laying in bed watching back to back Law and Order episodes on TNT has taken precedence over life. I went to Jamaica and got to see the Gators win it all. And I have yet to record any of it on this blog. But now when I'm supposed to be packing up clothes to leave Gainesville for a month or so, I suddenly refuse to do any form of work without getting paid. Yeah, graduating and getting a job will do that too you. Ok so next up... christmas in Jamaica.

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