Episode V: Ghetto Contact Lens Strikes Back

My poor poor blog, you've been neglected. But don't blame me, blame these ghetto contact lenses I was hoodwinked into switched too by my eye doctor. "They're better for you to sleep in" he says. So that same day I slept in them and when I woke up it was like someone had been building sand castles under my eyelids while I was sleeping. I should of switched back to Acuve 2 right then and there....

Fast forward to last Friday night. Or actually Friday evening. I'm at "Phi Beta Sigma presents The Blue Light Special". Everything is going super. Then I step into the afterparty and BAM. Actually it was more like BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM. My left eye is spittin fire, and I don't mean a Lil Wayne vs Eminem freestyle fire, I mean serious pain and suffering.

My eye is starting to look like a national terrorist alert level, but I'm too busy shaking my ass to really care. Finally at around 1:30am, I couldn't take it anymore and I took out my left contact in the uber-hygienic bathroom (where's that sarcasm font... oh well). I thought that would calm the fire in my eye but taking the contact out took me from "white people spicy" to "Latin people spicy" in an instant!

Lucky I didn't drive but anything brighter then a cell phone was sending shockwaves of pain throughout my head. Just punch yourself in the temple with a rusty butter knife and you'll get the idea. When I got home all I could do was collapse on my bed and writer in agony. Thank god it was a bye week cause I would of died at the stadium the next day. Seriously, DOA.

In the morning things aren't getting any better. My garbage blinds at Melrose let in one to many photons and my brain and eye are doing the "Chicken Noodle Soup" all over my nerve endings. Eventually I remembered that this is America and they have drugs here to make the pain go away so I call my eye doctor (same one who bamboozled me into switching contact brands...) and get the earliest (meaning 3:00pm) appointment to make the pain go away.

Apparently Saturdays are the day that all the eye doctors draw straws to see who will work cause it seemed like they only had 1 doctor and like 10 full rooms of patients. I swear I was waiting (in the dark thankfully, though only cause the light in my room was broken...) forever. In my mind I just want some drug to make the pain go away, the infection medicine is a 2nd priority.

The doctor finally sees me. I'm going to try and reproduce it as verbatim as I can remember.
Dr: How long has your eye been hurting
Me: Since 11:00pm last night
Dr: How many hours is that? (cause doctors don't do math....)
Me: Around 16 hours.
Dr: Ok, lets see here, look down, look up, look slightly down.
(Dr. shines lights brighter then the sun into my eye)
Me: Owe!
Dr: Sorry, eyes a little sensitive ( a little...)
Dr: Look left, look down.... OH MY GOD. YOU HAVE TO SEE A SPECIALIST!
(Dr. runs out the room to call the specialist, I note his extreme lack of bedside manor...)
(Dr. returns)
Dr: You have two corneal ulcers. I would normally treat them myself but they're so big I'm not even going to touch it.
(good thing I went to medical school and know what corneal ulcers are, then the Dr sends me away to the specialist...

Now the specialist was playing tennis with his son, so for him to break away from the parental beatdown, unlock his office, and see me, told me more then enough about the seriousness of my condition. He actually explained to me what corneal ulcers were. Gave me a prescription for eye drops to take every 30 minutes and when I sleep, to wake up ever 2 hours and put in drops.

Sidebar: According to google..

A corneal ulcer forms when the surface of the cornea is damaged or compromised. Certain types of bacteria, such as Pseudomonas, are extremely aggressive and can cause severe damage and even blindness within 24-48 hours if left untreated.

Basically, my ghetto contacts put two microscopic holes in my cornea and the bacteria on the surface thought they had VIP Passes to Golden Choral. I hear the eye tissue is pretty good with the barbecue sauce.

So now I have drops. I had some interesting dreams, being that I could only sleep for 2 hours at a time. The pain however, is still blazing. I even had to unplug the fish tank light! Don't get me started on my mortal enemy... The Sun. Yeah that one, giver of life and heat to the world. That bastard! I couldn't even go outside. I couldn't even goto the Player's Ball. Even watching TV was a struggle and don't get me started on using the computer. Even with the brightness turned down to mandingo black I was still in pain.

As the week went by things got better. Driving to the follow up visits with the specialist was quite hilarious with one eye open. I skipped class Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday since The Sun would be waiting for me outside like a 7th grade bully. I did get bold enough to goto band practice wearing sunblocking strips behind my glasses... All I can say about that is DAMN THE GLARE FROM THE INSTRUMENTS!

The specialist finally gave me some Ketorolac Tromethamine drops for the pain to which I refer to them as Liquid Cocaine. Suddenly I can live again! I feel alive! I laugh in the face of the sun (if it's cloudy and overcast...) Now I just need to order some real contact lenses and get them in time for this wedding in Jamaica next weekend...

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